Case 36: Waswasa’s and Insecurity

﷽‎

ولحَمْدُ الله رب العلمين

‎و الصلاة و السلام على محمد و على آله و اصحابه اجمعين وبعد

السلام عليكم ورحمة الله وبركاته

❓Question❓

Today’s case is regarding a sister who is not able to rid herself of her negative thoughts, and she is constantly having waswasa’s about her husband’s ex-girlfriend, and she is very insecure about her relationship. Although she is a practicing muslimah, she finds it very difficult to overcome these waswasas and thinks she is not strong enough to beat shaitaan.

🅰️Answer📝

Dear sister, you understand in your knowledge that these are nothing but waswasas from shaitaan. I have already done a post on OCD, and what you are experiencing is also a form of OCD. The constant thoughts of your husband’s ex and consequent negative thoughts related to this is a means through which shaitaan is trying to break you from inside and making it appear to you that you are weak.

Allah‎ﷻ has given us the power to beat shaitaan or else why would He give us the concept of free will? If we think we are weak, we will always remain weak, our thoughts and the language we use in communicating with ourselves plays a very important role in our self-concept, always use gentle words and language in dealing with yourself.

As always the important point to remember is that this is your test. This is how Allah‎ﷻ has chosen to test you, and you are strong as it is, and this test will only make you stronger. How can we think that we can’t beat shaitaan when he is merely a feeble creation of Allah‎ﷻ, just like us. He has no power over us, it is in us, if we are going to give him that power to control us.

As believers we are all faced with this trial, and if we give shaitaan that position of strength and power then where is the striving for the sake of Allah‎ﷻ and how can we attain Jannah. And what you need to tell yourself is there is no power or might except with Allah‎ﷻ. By giving shaitaan that authority over us, we would actually be committing shirk, استغفرالله! May Allah‎ﷻ protect us from that. أمين.

The next thing I want to tell you is, the fixation over your husband itself. As much as you may love your husband, and as much as you may be possessive about him, the ultimate love is that of Allah‎ﷻ, and we cannot love anyone more than we love Allah‎ﷻ, our obedience to our husbands should also be be solely for the sake of Allah‎ﷻ, and again we cannot give them the place that’s reserved for Allah‎ﷻ alone. We love them, we take care of them, are obedient to them, and we please them, only so that Allah‎ﷻ can be pleased with us. Period.

So, when you start seeing things from the perspective of pleasing Allah‎ﷻ first then automatically, your fixation will drop and you will have more tawakal ilallah, and your insecurities will start fading because you will now be secure in the comfort that your affairs are being taken care of by your maker. What more can one ask for when his affairs are in the hands of الوكيل (Al Wakeel- the disposer of affairs).

You also mentioned that you keep bring up the issue of his ex again and again in arguments with him, and you also said that he is not in touch with her, but you have a doubt that he may still have feelings for her. Well, I want to tell you here, is that, what you are doing is reminding him of something over and over again, when he has moved on. Why would you want to give him a reason to compare and create something which doesn’t exist by giving him these reminders. A wife should be a source of peace for her husband,

‘Abdullah ibn ‘Amr رضى الله عنه said, that the Messenger of Allah‎ﷺ‎ said: “This world is temporary joys, and the best temporary joy of this world is a righteous wife.”

Muslim and Ibn Maajah.

Be that kind of wife to your husband. By giving these constant reminders to your husband you are actually putting yourself in the very situation that you fear. I advice you to stop bringing up these sensitive and damaging issues and put your trust on Allah‎ﷻ and keep yourself engaged in useful activities.

To stop the waswasa’s, keep yourself in dhikr of Allah‎ﷻ and every time you sense the thought creeping in, seek refuge in Allah, say;

‎ أعوذ بالله من الشيطان الرجيم

and لا حَوْلَ وَلا قُوَّةَ إِلا بِالله

recite آية الكرسي, the four قل etc. These are the best and effective tools against fighting shaitaan, and the key here is to stop the negative thought right at its root, don’t dwell on these thoughts as they are like a leech and will start feeding on you if you let them creep in even if it’s just a crack.

It’s is not easy fighting the enemy, but with perseverance and sincere efforts combined with complete trust and reliance on Allah‎ﷻ, it’s absolutely possible.

I ask Allah‎ﷻ to make your struggles easy for you and to help you overcome your negative thinking and to grant you victory in your fight against shaitaan.

أمين يا رب العلمين

‎سُبحَانَ رَبِّكَ رَبِ العِزَّةِ عَمَّا يَصِفُون وَسَلَامٌ عَلى المُرسَلِين والحَمدُ الله رَبِ العلمين

🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸

Solace Islamic Assistance

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Case 34: Husband having an affair with ex-girlfriend

‎﷽‎

ولحَمْدُ الله رب العلمين

‎و الصلاة و السلام على محمد و على آله و اصحابه اجمعين وبعد

السلام عليكم ورحمة الله وبركاته

❓*Question* ❓

The sister who contacted us is a revert Muslimah, she lost her mother to illness and has no support from any other family member. She has been married for almost 8 years with no children. Her issue is that her husband is having an affair with his ex- girlfriend and his family is also supporting him in his haram actions. He has given her two options, one is talaaq or two, is to remain as his first wife. The relationship has gone sour between them due to various factors(not going into too many details), and she wanted help with her options.

If Allah‎ﷻ intends good for someone, then He afflicts him with trials.

Sahih Bukhari

‎الَّذِي خَلَقَ الْمَوْتَ وَالْحَيَاةَ لِيَبْلُوَكُمْ أَيُّكُمْ أَحْسَنُ عَمَلًا وَهُوَ الْعَزِيزُ الْغَفُورُ

It is He who created death and life to test you as to which of you are best in deed, and He is the Almighty, the Forgiving.

Surat Al-Mulk 67:2

I have already spoken to the sister regarding her issue, and therefore will be giving a gist of the advice and suggestions I gave her.

The very first thing that I clarified with the sister was that— in her situation it was important for her to know that ultimately it bottled down to what she wanted to do, as she knows her situation best.

She is a strong person, with the confidence to take charge of her life, and currently running a small business to support herself, since, her husband isn’t working and she eventually had to resort to providing for herself.

The first and foremost advice I gave her was to seek Allah‎ﷻ’s counsel through Istekhara and to make dua at the time of tahajjud and put her complete tawwakal on Allah‎ﷻ. And, from there Allah‎ﷻ will guide her course. If she decides to stay in this relationship then truly Allah‎ﷻ is with the patient as The Messenger of Allah‎ﷺ‎ said:

Wondrous is the affair of the believer for there is good for him in every matter and this is not the case with anyone except the believer. If he is happy, then he thanks Allah and thus there is good for him, and if he is harmed, then he shows patience and thus there is good for him.

Sahih Muslim

‎إن شاء الله there would definitely be good in it for her, which ever direction her life takes that would be Allah‎ﷻ’s will and in His plans for her better life and hereafter. And without doubt there would be blessings for her in it.

I also told her to work on any shortcomings in her Ibadah, for that would bring immense barakah in her life as well, for example; if she was missing her salah, making it up as soon as possible, trying to perform her salah ‘on- time’ as soon as possible. Not missing the Sunnah’s. Building a relationship with the Qur’an etc. These acts of Ibadah done sincerely would not only add that barakah but also give her clarity in thought and guidance for a decision as well as . ‎إن شاء الله

On the contrary, if she feels that there isn’t any future to her relationship she should seek the help of a local Imam or any knowledgeable and trustworthy person who can help her. I gathered that the husband and his family are too eager to end the relationship with her. In this case I advised her to go for talaaq as a last resort, as the husband promised her settlement only if she opted for divorce, I advised her to put in writing any talks of settlement or promises in the presence of a wali.

I would like to add that divorce is disliked by Allah‎ﷻ and should be the last resort, if nothing else works.

She had mentioned to me that there were a few suggestions of her remarriage, if talaaq happens, my advice to her was not to think about that as of now, as her relationship with her husband has not reached a conclusion yet. And it not wise to think of another relationship when the first one hasn’t ended. If it’s in Allah‎ﷻ will for this to end then, He will replace it with something better for her as well. It would be wise to finish the Iddah and then consider another marriage. And Allah knows best.

And finally I advice her to make lots and lots of dua for herself and her husband and his family for their guidance and forgiveness. And to engage in constant Istaghfar herself, and to remember that the Messenger of Allah ‎ﷺ‎said:

Whoever oppresses his brother in his honor or anything else should resolve the matter today before it cannot be resolved with gold and silver coins. If he has good deeds to his credit, they will be taken from him according to the measure of his oppression, but if he has no good deeds left, then he will bear the evil deeds of his companion.

Sahih Bukhari

I ask Allah‎ﷻ to grant her a solution to her issue as soon as possible and bless her abundantly for her patience and grant her what’s best for her deen, dunya and akhira.

أمين يا رب العلمين

‎سُبحَانَ رَبِّكَ رَبِ العِزَّةِ عَمَّا يَصِفُون وَسَلَامٌ عَلى المُرسَلِين والحَمدُ الله رَبِ العلمين

🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸

Solace Islamic Assistance

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Case 31: Active five year old

بسم الله⚜⚜

الحمد الله⚜

والصَّلات والسَّلام على رسول الله⚜

السلام عليكم ورحمة الله وبركاته

🔴Question:

The issue we are taking up today concerns a five year old who is very active. This sister has various concerns about the child. She has her hands full dealing with his anger, stubbornness and disobedience. What she wants is to be his friend, but is unable to do so because he doesn’t even listen to her.

🔵 Answer:

Allah (‎ﷻ) has created all of us differently. People are born with different personalities, looks etc. Even children from the same womb are different. Every person’s fingerprints are unique to them. So comparing a child or expecting too much from them will only lead to disappointments.

Now concerning this particular child, he seems to be having a short attention span. His ability to engage in one activity for a long period of time is less. He seems to get bored easily. Some children even have high energy levels and when this energy is not channelized or utilized properly, it leads to hyperactivity.

To do this we need to engage the child in different indoor or outdoor activities other than school.

✅By indoor games this could mean making use of all his senses. It could be building or creating something using clay, or painting or solving puzzles etc. Watching television has its pros and cons. So what we choose to show to our kids is very important. There are a number of good Islamic channels which will help our children in developing their emaan. This one sister let’s her child watch cartoons only on weekends, but the child finds excuses to go to his friend’s house. This might be because he is being allowed to watch tv there. So it’s better we let our children watch the content we want them to watch than letting them go elsewhere to watch it.

Some of the beneficial and good Islamic channels are :

🔸Muslim kids T.V

🔸Zaky

🔸Baba Ali

🔸Misri Bunch

✅Now about outdoor games there is nothing as stimulating and beneficial as playing in the fresh air and sweating it out;especially for children who have high energy levels. Lots of activities are available in the school campus itself. Like skating, badminton, karate classes,swimming etc. If it is not possible to enroll kids in these type of outdoor games then taking them for walks in nearby parks is the next best thing.

✅Having good companionship is also very important for growing children. Children either learn from their parents, their siblings or from their friends. So the kind of company they keep affects the overall development of the child . These years are highly crucial for the child.

🌼In an authentic Hadith, the Prophet Muhammad (‎ﷺ‎) said: 💡”A person is likely to follow the faith of his friend, so look whom you befriend.” 💡[reported by Abu Dawood & Tirmidhee]

🏳Another issue that the sister has with the child is that he does not listen to her and doesn’t respect her.

☝First we need to understand that a child too deserves respect. So unless we give respect and attention to the child, we will not receive the same from them. To discipline the child, it is very important to set a routine for their activities. They should have a set of rules and regulations to follow and also have a checklist in which you can write down all the things that need to be done by them for them to be rewarded for it. For example doing the homework, doing the daily salaah, helping with the chores at home etc. So once the child does this, he should be rewarded and not bribed with it. And one more thing to follow here is that we have to be true to our promises. Once we tell them they will be rewarded with an hour of tv or a small gift for doing somthing, then if we don’t fulfill our promise, next time we will lose our child’s trust and respect.

To make this a reality we need to do this consistently. Its ok to have an off day when you or the child is sick but if we don’t follow the pattern consistently, it will not become a habit and will result in an unhealthy pattern of behavior.

When the child is being stubborn and not listening to the mother it’s ok to once in a while give in. Prioritize the things they can and cannot get or give them an alternative. If giving in to their demands is not going to become a habit and could lead to positive reinforcement, then it’s better to give the child what he desires. But it’s important that we draw a line when this stubbornness leads to negative behavior. Instant gratification of the need can be dangerous too. So it’s our duties as mothers to take the call in the best interest of our children and make the correct decision.

But whatever the situation, controlling our anger and being in control of the situation is very important. We should realize the anger exhibited by the child is only a sign or symptom of some underlying problem. So what we need to do is find the reason for this behavior. Using a calm and reasonable tone will help in getting to the bottom of the problem.

The best example for this is most definitely our Prophet Mohammed (‎ﷺ‎)

🌼It is narrated by Anas رضى الله عنه when mentioning his childhood, “I served the Prophet (‎ﷺ‎) for ten years, and he never said to me, “Uff” (a minor harsh word denoting impatience) and never blamed me by saying, “Why did you do so or why didn’t you do so?” (Sahih Al-Bukhari).

🌻We need to implement good values in our children by using a strong Islamic foundation. This can be done by first and foremost being good role models to them. We can tell and advice our children but what they will follow and do is what we show them in our day to day activities. Keep telling them stories of our Prophet(‎ﷺ‎) and his Seerah. Let the incidents of our Sahaba be a guiding light for them. Let the activities they engage in be somhow connected to Islamic values and teachings. For example if the child is interested in painting, get him a cutout of a masjid and ask him to color it, or if you are taking them to the zoo or nature walks, explain the majesty of Allah (‎ﷻ) who created even the most insignificant of creatures with their own purpose in life. Even watching television can be used constructively. There are lots of Islamic channels or sites on You tube which can provide a wealth of imformation and at the same time be entertaning. What we need to do is filter these sites and channels for our kids and monitor the content that they can watch .

Allah (‎ﷻ) has created us to worship him.

✅Therefore everything we do should be to please him. And when an act is done to please our Rabb then it becomes an ibaadah. So if we are putting our utmost effort in achieving our ultimate goal which is Jannah, then most definitely these acts will help us get closer to Allah (‎ﷻ) .

It is mentioned in the Quran 51:56

🌟”And I did not create the jinn and mankind except to worship Me.”🌟

So if we take the time and the effort to guide our children on the path to righteousness and the path towards Allah (‎ﷻ) and doing so with the sole intention of pleasing Him, then most definitely Allah (‎ﷻ) will make it easy for us and place barakah in our efforts.

🌼It is narrated on the authority of Umar ibn al-Khattab رضى الله عنه who said: I heard the Messenger (‎ﷺ‎)say:

💡“All actions are judged by motives, and each person will be rewarded according to their intention…”💡 (Saheeh Al-Bukhari, Saheeh Muslim)

🌟“Whoever brings a good deed shall have ten times the like thereof”🌟 (Surah al-Anaam:160)

Therefore I would like to end this with a Dua for our children who have to deal with much more temptations and distractions than us.

🌷Ya Allah bless our children. And enable them to obey You and make them kind towards us.

🌷Ya Allah you were the Teacher of Musa and Adam, so teach our kids too. Bestow them with knowledge.

🌷You gave beneficial knowledge to Suleiman so grant our kids beneficial knowledge too.

🌷You were the Giver of Hikmah and authentic, decisive speech to Luqman. So give them hikmah and authentic, decisive speech too.

🌷Teach them of what they are ignorant and remind them what they forget.

🌷Open on them (the doors of) barakah from the skies and from beneath.

Indeed You are the Listener andthe one who replies and accepts Dua’s.

أمين يا رب العلمين

و آخر الدعوانا أن الحمد لله رب العالمين.

🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸

Solace Islamic Assistance

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Case 26: Favoritism of parents towards one child

﷽‎

ولحَمْدُ الله رب العلمين

‎و الصلاة و السلام على محمد و على آله و اصحابه اجمعين وبعد

السلام عليكم ورحمة الله وبركاته

🔴Question:

❕The sister has said that her dad favors her brother over everything; although, they are grown up and married, he still holds him special, and treats him and his family with special treatment. She feels hurt and heart-broken because of this; and asked us to help her with this, as she doesn’t want to hold any grudges or ill feelings towards him, because of this.

🔵Answer:

‎سبحان الله‎!

✅The first thing I want to tell this sister is, that this is not an unusual situation at all. Favoritism is a very common and typical issue in most households, where there are two or more siblings. And in most cases, the parents are not even aware that they are doing this.

We have all heard these labels- “Daddy’s girl”, “ Mama’s Boy”, “Grandma’s Princess” ; nicknames, which are seemingly harmless. But how do we know when parents take favoritism too far?

📌First off, parents may show favoritism for various reasons. It could be shown to the oldest or the youngest. It could be a preference of a son over a daughter or the preference of a child more beautiful than the other or even for no apparent reason at all.

Favoritism comes in many ways. It could be in the form of showing more affection to a child, or excessive praise of one to the neglect of others, giving gifts to one child only or giving better, more expensive gifts to one child in preference to others. It can even be favoritism by simply ignoring one child as compared to the others.

✅Our Deen condemns all kinds of biases and injustices; and favoritism is a type of injustice. A parent is not being just if he/she shows favoritism.

🌟“Verily, Allah enjoins justice, and doing good, and giving (help) to kith and kin.”🌟

_Surah an-Nahl: 90_

🌼The Justice among children is also emphasized in the following Hadith:

💡Nu’maan ibn Basheer said: “My father gave me a gift of some of his wealth, but my mother, ‘Amrah bint Rawaahah, said, ‘I will not approve of it until you ask the Messenger of Allah‎ﷺ‎ to bear witness to it.’ So my father went to the Prophet‎ﷺ‎ to ask him to bear witness to the gift. The Messenger of Allah‎ﷺ‎ said to him, ‘Have you done the same for all of your children?’ He said, ‘No.’ He said, ‘Fear Allah and treat your children justly.’ So my father came back and took back that gift.”💡

_Bukhari, Muslim_

✅In fact, it is one of the rights of our children that they are treated equally.

🌹The Prophet‎ﷺ‎ said:

💡“Your children have the right of receiving equal treatment, as you have the right that they should honor you.”💡

_Abu Dawoud_

🌹And he‎ﷺ‎ also said:

💡“Do justice among your sons (kids),’ and repeated it thrice.”💡

_Muslim_

☡There has been a recent study on this topic, that shows that favoritism by parents can have a negative impact on the entire famil; even the one that’s being favored. Mainly, when the children perceive the parenting difference to be unfair, they are most reactive to that themselves.

✅Most parents might have an inclination towards one child over another. They are human beings as well, and it is natural to form that bond with one particular child, based on similar characteristic/ personalities that they may share with the parent or similar interests etc.

When favoritism becomes dramatically negative behavior toward one child and an extreme positive behavior to the others, that’s when the problem arises. Laughing at one child’s jokes etc.

The child’s perception of favoritism at home, is also something to pay attention to. It could become difficult for this child and basically cause him/her to be jealous of their sibling; and Sibling Rivalry is just one negative aspect that is born out of this treatment from the parents. But equal treatment is not the answer to this either, since each child is different and needs different things and need to be dealt with differently, with different level of attention. But when parents sometimes go overboard with this, that’s when it creates damage in the long run and the children carry it forward to their adulthood, in terms of their interactions and social relationships, their anxiety levels; and long term consequences would be faced.

⚬Usually, the child speaks up when they perceive favoritism, and it’s important that parents don’t ignore this and listen to the child and pay attention to their feelings.

🌴Making the children feel that each one is their favorite is the key. Again, the best example is our beloved Rasoolullah‎ﷺ‎. He never made his companions feel that one was favored upon the other, and each one thought that they were his favorite person. ‎سبحان الله‎!

🌹Rasoolullah‎ﷺ‎ said:

💡“The just will be with Allah on thrones of light ….those who are just in their rulings and are fair with their families and those of whom they are in charge.”💡

_Muslim_

✅Therefore, Muslim parents must fear Allah‎ﷻ in how they deal with their children. They must be just in their speech and judgments. The way they talk and behave with their children, and how they deal with them should be based on justice, without any discrimination or favoritism. If sometimes, a child needs that extra attention, it would do good to sit them down and explain, that, Look! I really love you and care about you, but at the moment, your brother or sister needs a little extra attention and that you’ll be right back with them; so from a very young age you are giving that security to your child.

⚬For the sister who is dealing with these, there are a few things I would like to say;⭐ The advice above is something you can use in dealing with your own children; and below are the things you can do, to improve your relationship with your father.

⚜ Talk to him about it. Parents, sometimes, might not be aware that they are doing this, and it might be unintentional on their part. Best thing to do is, to communicate your feelings to him. Most of the time, the parents are not even aware that they are favoring another child.

It would do good not to get too emotional about it and talk it out in a mature manner; or if you fear direct confrontation could lead to outbursts of emotion, write a letter letting him in on how you feel.

⚜ Talk to your Brother about this. Sometimes, if the siblings can get together and talk to each other, they would realize that they are as much jealous of you as you are of them. Sometimes, it’s the work of Shaitaan to bring up these negative thoughts in our head.

🌼Allah‎ﷻ tells us about this in the Quran, through the story of Habil and Qabil; how shaitaan created a rift between the two brothers, causing one to kill the other out of jealousy. We need to close doors for shaitaan to play with our emotions and keep the doors of communication open with our family. ‎إن شاء الله!

⚜ We also need to empathize with them, and try to understand how difficult it is for our parents to deal with us as well. If it’s more than one child, and each child being different, they need to pay attention to each child’s needs, and it’s not easy for them; and if you are a parent yourself then it’s easier to empathize with them.

✅So in conclusion, communication is the key. And in case communicating doesn’t bring about any difference in their attitude, which is highly unlikely; you need to just accept things for what they are and move on and forgive your dad. Ultimately, remember what status Allah‎ﷻ has given them in our lives, and we must just be patient and make lots of dua for them to be equal in their treatment, and for us to be that kind of parents as well.

🌟“And We have enjoined upon man [care] for his parents. His mother carried him, [increasing her] in weakness upon weakness, and his weaning is in two years. Be grateful to Me and to your parents; to Me is the [final] destination.”🌟

_SurahAl Luqman: 14_

🕯I ask Allah‎ﷻ to make us among those who are grateful to our parents, for taking care of us when we couldn’t take care of ourselves; and I ask Allah‎ﷻ to grant Hidaya to our parents to treat us justly, lest they fall under sin. I ask Allah‎ﷻ to protect us from becoming oppressors or from being the ones who are oppressed.

أمين يا رب العلمين

Case 25: Possessive Husband

﷽‎

ولحَمْدُ الله رب العلمين

‎و الصلاة و السلام على محمد و على آله و اصحابه اجمعين وبعد

السلام عليكم ورحمة الله وبركاته

🔴Question:

☞Today’s question comes from a sister, who wants to know, how to deal with a controlling and possessive husband.

🔵Answer:

🔸I would like to start the reply to this one with a hadith,

The Prophet‎‎ﷺ‎ said,

💡” Whoever has oppressed another person concerning his reputation or anything else, he should beg him forgiveness before The Day of Resurrection, when there will be no money (to compensate for wrong deeds); but if he has good deeds, those good deeds will be taken from him, according to his oppression which he has done, and if he has no good deeds, the sins of the oppressed person will be loaded on him. “💡

{Sahih Al Bukhari}

The Prophet‎ﷺ‎ also said:

💡’The prayer of the oppressed is answered, even if he is a sinner as his sinning is only against his own soul.’💡

{Saheehul-Jam’i}

🔸The supplication of the heart, which is unmindful and heedless is not responded to. The heart of the one, who is oppressed, however, is not unmindful due to his constraint and dire need. Likewise, the one who is in distress, his supplication is answered even if he is not a Muslim. [ This is in the life of this world and does not apply to the Hereafter]

Also, Allah‎ﷻ said:

🌟’And who responds to the distressed one when he supplicates Him?’🌟

{Surah an-Naml (27):62}

🔸In Islam, the marriage of a man and a woman is not just a financial and physical arrangement of living together; but a sacred contract, a gift of Allah‎ﷻ, to lead a happy, enjoyable life and continue the lineage. The main goal of marriage in Islam, is the realization of tranquility and compassion between the spouses.

🔸The relationship between the spouses should be based on tranquility, love and mercy. These three summarize the ideals of an Islamic marriage. It is the duty of the husband and wife to see that they are a source of comfort and tranquility for each other.

🔸Now, in this case the wife is dealing with a controlling husband; and being controlling and over possessive to the degree, that he does not let her use her own judgement of right and wrong, in the guise of being over protective, is in fact a very selfish behavior; and falls under the category of emotional abuse and emotional oppression.

🔸Some of the characteristics of such people are: they are very rigid, self absorbed, and they have a need for admiration, ‘tell me I am a wonderful husband”, ‘adore me’. They lack empathy and do not consider the impact of their behavior on other people, also demanding to be the most important thing in their spouses life. They live in a ‘ME bubble’; they look at the world as if the rest of the world are givers and they are entitled to be receivers. It’s like, they are empty and they are filling up on other people’s attention and what people can give to them, because they are primarily focused on themselves. As a result, they do not see the other persons needs and are only concerned with their own needs. It’s a very fixed, rigid and challenging behavior. And, these kind of people need long term counseling and therapy, to motivate them to change their ways, as they have been this way, and chances are they will continue on being this way. But, it does not mean that you need to put up with this kind of behavior as a passive, submissive wife. Islam does not tolerate oppression and the oppressor is committing a sin; and in my opinion, it’s a matter of helping your spouse overcome this sin.

⚠I am sure at least some of you on the group might think Ya Allah, I am dealing with a person exactly like this… 🙂 Subhanallah!

☞As we cannot force anyone to approach counseling; the motivation to change, needs to come from within. However, we can make some adjustments within ourselves, to adapt and change the situation, and as always, make lots and lots of dua for the husband’s guidance.

☉The solution I am about to offer, on how to deal with a selfish and controlling spouse, does not involve raised voices, lashing out in anger saying ‘enough is enough,’ or threatening to end the relationship. None of these things have to happen. Relationships are an emotional seesaw; when you change, the other person changes.

☞First thing to look at is, what are the things in our control? If we cannot fix our husbands, then we must make sure we do not raise our son’s to grow up to be controlling, teach them to respect women, and treat them like their partners. It is a difficult task with the role model ever present, but not impossible, and as mothers, this is the responsibility that’s entrusted upon us by Allah سبحانه وتعالى , to raise them upon the haqq and teach them the true values of Islam, and teaching them to look unto Prophet‎ﷺ‎ as their role model, ‎إن شاء الله. When we can’t find a solution to our problems, we need to become ‘The Solution’. Either ‘we’ are a problem, or ‘the one’ who complains about problems, and nobody wants to associate with the one who is constantly complaining. Whereas, if we become the solution and act with wisdom, everyone would want to be with us, even our husbands.

⭐The heroines of Islam, the Sahabiyat رضى الله عنهم, were the women of wisdom; and Islam does not tell a woman not to use her intellect or wisdom. Islam does not say, a woman cannot voice her opinions,but quiet the contrary, actually. If a man is a shepherd of his family, a woman is a shepherd of her house. If she uses her Allah given wisdom to handle her household, her life and the lives of those around her, will become a pleasant journey.

✔We are responsible for the choices that we make, and Allah‎ﷻ has given us that free will to choose.

☞By, putting up with your husbands selfishness, you have made that unconscious choice to be helpless. Now, there are two things you can do and make a conscious choice; either be courageous to change your situation, or learn to accept things for what they are and settle into it with Sabr. We have to decide where we want to be. There are going to be consequences, whichever choice you make; as no action is without consequence. At least, you would have a satisfaction that, whatever the consequence, it was a conscious one, that you can claim ownership to.

🔸If you choose to be courageous and change your situation, then it’s important that you find your voice and build on the communication with your husband and give him some feedback; and draw a ‘it’s not okay’ line. Note that I said communicate, not yell and create an emotional chaos. People value us based on the value we hold ourselves in. Our self-worth and how we see ourselves, plays a critical role in how those who are associated with us treat us. If we place our self worth on a low level, that’s how we can expect to be treated.

☞Your husband needs to be shown an emotional mirror, that says,’stop! it’s not okay for you to treat me in such a selfish manner, where you don’t think it’s important to consider my needs and what I want.’ When you do this, what you are doing is, building a bridge towards him and letting him see, that what he did is selfish and inconsiderate, and it’s impacting you negatively. If you do not do this, then be prepared to face more of the same behavior, and feeling like a prisoner in your own life. Often times, women do not communicate their frustrations, because they fear abandonment; fearing that their spouse may withdraw or pull away emotionally; and kind of throw his mood around and be upset, because you called him out on his behavior, or your fear, that he may pull away physically and not talk,or worst still, end the relationship. So, as long as you let this fear- fear of abandonment- stop you from standing up and raising your value, then expect poor treatment, being dragged along the person’s selfish journey of what they want. It’s about developing the core- confidence within yourself and being able to step off of the emotional roller coaster of highs an lows and have your say. You seethe in resentment and suffer in silence; because you have lost your ability to say what you want and need, because it’s all about this other person and his ‘ME’ bubble, and so long as everything serves them, who cares about you!

❓How is this a foundation of a heathy marital relationship?

❓Going back to the definition of a healthy marriage that Allah‎ﷻ had ordained for us, how is this in anyway fulfilling Allah’s command of being a source of comfort and tranquility for each other.

☉It is possible to achieve all this and do so respectfully, and within the boundaries of being a good wife. Yes it is. Expressing dislike of a behavior does not make you a bad wife. Use your wisdom and a low key, respectful tone to put across what you have to, and do your part in building your marriage on the basis of mutual give and take. Put in your efforts and leave rest to Allah‎ﷻ, to bless you in it.

🌷I ask Allah‎ﷻ to grant you courage to raise your self-worth, and help you find your voice, to build a relationship based on respect and understanding, and I ask Allah‎ﷻ, to grant your husband the guidance to be an ideal muslim husband.

أمين يا رب العلمين

‎سُبحَانَ رَبِّكَ رَبِ العِزَّةِ عَمَّا يَصِفُون وَسَلَامٌ عَلى المُرسَلِين والحَمدُ الله رَبِ العلمين

🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸

Solace Islamic Assistance

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Case 24: Pornography addiction

‎﷽‎

ولحَمْدُ الله رب العلمين

‎و الصلاة و السلام على محمد و على آله و اصحابه اجمعين وبعد

السلام عليكم ررحمة الله وبركاته

🔴Question:

☞Today’s question is related to a certain disease of the heart. This is a very dangerous disease and needs to be addressed among our community. The sister’s husband is addicted to pornography and she wanted some solutions for the same.

🔵Answer:

🕸Secular Perspective🕸

🔼Let’s first see what pornography means from a secular perspective. It originated in the mid 19th century from greek word-‘ pornographos’, which means,’ studying or writing about the prostitutes’.

And what does a prostitute mean? ‘Someone who sells intimacy for the sake of making money!’

So, we can see here, that such a disgusting study, that was considered a taboo in the past, is now considered an expression of Art. نعوذ بالله

I haven’t gone into too much details with the secular perspective, because it does not require too much of our attention.

🌙Islamic Perspective:

On the other hand, what is important for us to understand, is the Islamic perspective on pornography. What does Islam say about this subject.

As Allah‎ﷻ says in the Quran:

🌟 Tell the believing men to lower their gaze and guard their private parts. That is purer for them. Indeed, Allah is Acquainted with what they do. And tell the believing women to lower their gaze and guard their private parts and not expose their adornment except that which [necessarily] appears thereof and to wrap [a portion of] their head covers over their chests and not expose their adornment except to their husbands, their fathers, their husbands’ fathers, their sons, their husbands’ sons, their brothers, their brothers’ sons, their sisters’ sons, their women, that which their right hands possess, or those male attendants having no physical desire, or children who are not yet aware of the private aspects of women. And let them not stamp their feet to make known what they conceal of their adornment. And turn to Allah in repentance, all of you, O believers, that you might succeed.🌟

{Surah An Noor: 30-31}

Allah‎ﷻ tells the men to lower their gaze and protect their private parts; and women to lower their gaze, protect their private parts and an added step to cover their adornments. There is Allah’s infinite wisdom behind why Allah‎ﷻ asks women to go a step further and cover herself. The reason being, that men are more visually stimulated than women, it’s that simple!…. if we look at the media today, women are marketed as commodities to sell a product which has no connection to women whatsoever. Allah‎ﷻ has created women with forbearance to look beyond physical beauty and other qualities of a man but the same cannot be said about the men in general sense. Now, it does not mean that women aren’t attracted to physical beauty; Allah‎ﷻ does command the women to lower their gaze as well, right? It only means that women are not as affected by visual stimuli as men, again in a general sense.

✏Now, the definition of pornography from an Islamic perspective is: The exposure of that which is impermissible to look at. So, what is this ‘impermissible’? Islam is very clear about the ‘Awrah” of a man and a woman.

🔸Firstly: the ‘awrah [that which should be covered] of a man is the area between the navel and the knees, because the Prophet ‎ﷺ‎ said: 💡“What is between the navel and the knees is ‘awrah.” 💡(A hasan hadeeth narrated by Ahmad, Abu Dawood and al-Daaraqutni). This is the view of the majority of scholars.

🔸Secondly: 💡”When a girl reaches the menstrual age, it is not proper that anything should remain exposed except this and this. He pointed to the face and hands.”💡[Abu Dawud] There is difference of opinion amongst scholars on this, as some say that a woman’s face is a part of her awrah. We shall not be discussing about that here.

Also in another hadith the Prophet‎ﷺ‎ said: 💡“A man should not look at the ‘awrah of another man and a woman should not look at the ‘awrah of another woman.” 💡(Narrated by Muslim).

So, This is how Islam looks at pornography: that we are not even allowed to glance at that which is forbidden and yet, in today’s time and age we are exposed and bombarded with these images in our face; what with the billboards with half naked women, and advertisements on tv and newspapers and various media. This so called mild and moderate nudity, was considered soft-core pornography even by western standards a few years back.

🏳When the line of the manmade moral code of conduct is crossed, the society is no longer uncomfortable with being exposed to fahsha (shamelessness) that exists in it, as we are desensitized by it. Will talk a little more about this in a while.

But, we as Mulsims, do not follow this manmade code. We follow the Divine code that was given to us by Allah‎ﷻ, and Islam is very clear and has given us a detailed do and don’t to protect ourselves from this disease.

☠Effects of Pornography on the Brain☠

Pornography is a gateway drug, like Marijuana. Let me explain it’s effects on our brain:

➡Once a person consumes pornography, his brain releases chemicals like Dopamine and Oxytocin which are responsible for physical enjoyment. It stimulates the brain to capture a memory of this enjoyment. It takes notes that upon experiencing this visual stimuli, I had a good feeling, so the person comes back for more. Now, what happens is, when he comes back for the same amount of stimuli, his brain balances itself out, meaning the brain is desensitized. It does not give him that enjoyment anymore; so he wants to consume more and more and his need is never satisfied. The result of this is, the person leads towards deviant behavior; with attraction towards the opposite gender, same gender, etc…. and also develops violent tendencies, such as rape scene visualization etc. He reaches an animalistic level to attain that physical enjoyment; now that he is desensitized towards his violent thoughts and behavior. Hence, they are prone to abusive and violent behavior within the family setting.

☠Problems Encountered☠

🔼1. Women are viewed as a Commodity and Child trafficking becomes prevalent.

🔼2. The labels of Softcore and Hardcore; because when the desensitization takes place, the Nafs wants more and more to feed that monster.

🔼3. Unrealistic perception of intimacy; wanting to act like the videos, which is unbecoming of a husband or wife to do that. It’s like watching a fantasy movie like Harry Potter and believing it to be real and expecting that kind of ridiculous magic to work in real life.

🔼4. Self- Loathing; The emptiness that follows this leaves much more to be desired and destroys the rational thinking of a person.

🔼5. A shift in moral compass: Only one half a century ago, exposing the knee was considered lewd, and now it’s way off. The shorter the dress, the more hip a person is considered to be.

☔The Four Primary Relationships that are affected by this addiction:☔

🔥1. With their Spouse:

Many men don’t even consider this to be zina (adultery). What kind of trust would there be between a husband and wife with this kind of behavior. Wives feel they don’t have husbands anymore and husbands question what their wives do in their absence when they leave the home.

🔥2. With their children:

Children stumble upon their parents saved pictures and videos. Parents are spending time away from the family, because they are busy indulging in lewdness. Children feel they don’t have parents anymore and parents lose respect in their sight.

🔥3. With the world:

The direct result of watching these materials is losing haya and shame. Their outlook on the world, and their ability to interact and maintain cordial personal and professional relationships fail.

The Most important of all.

🔥4. With Allah‎ﷻ:

His honor does not have room for us to turn our glances away from Him. Our Eeman is damaged. What happens when we no longer have haya from Allah; when we forget He is watching us in an action so shameful and derogatory to ourselves. Allah gifted these eyes to us; we did not purchase these eyes at a luxury store. If we misuse these eyes to look at haram, how can we expect that Allah will allow us to look at Him on the Day of Judgement. The greatest reward in Jannah is the joy of seeing His Majesty!

And we misuse this gift (by looking at forget about the western definition but) by looking at the Islamic definition of shamelessness even. ‎سبحان الله‎

✏Practical and Spiritual Steps for overcoming this disease of the heart.✏

Before I give you these steps, I want to mention a little about the destructive cycle of pornography.

💀Fantasizing ➡ Obsessing ➡ Substance Abuse ➡ Loss of Control ➡ Guilt of Use ➡ Interruption of Use ➡ Passage of Time ➡ Internal Frustration ➡ Fantasizing and so forth.

As the title suggests, its a cycle and a cycle constitutes links, and this cycle can be broken only by breaking the link. But, to start with, why does the fantasizing takes place?

✔It’s that first look and the first exposure!

So, for someone who is having difficulty in keeping the glances in check, refrain from falling into this vicious cycle.

❓HOW? By following these Steps:

🌱Practical Steps🌱

✅1. Cut off the means.

Limit the time spent on your devices; Phones, Tabs and Laptops. If you feel that you are in danger of falling into the temptation- Disconnect.

Do not provide your children with gadgets and devices. They absolutely do not need it. I would rather prefer my children being outdated from technology, than be exposed to something dangerous. However, in todays day and time, its not possible as the educational system requires them to be tech savvy; so, what can you do in such a situation?

🏴Put rules for everyone to follow:

🔘Firstly set times of usage.

The computer should be used in the living room, where everyone is present and the back of the computer should face the wall and the screen should be faced where everyone can see it. (best to invest in a desktop than laptop).

🔘2. Parental Control:

Talk to your husband and come to common terms of understanding that this step is to help the process of overcoming this addiction. Install a parental control software on his computer and you monitor the websites he visits with his consent.

🔘3. Stay away from Music:

In a hadith narrated by Abu ‘Amir رضى الله عنه or Abu Malik Al-Ash’ari رضى الله عنه that he heard the Prophet‎ﷺ‎ saying, 💡”From among my followers, there will be some people who will consider illegal sexual intercourse, the wearing of silk, the drinking of alcoholic drinks, and the use of musical instruments  [ma’aazif] as lawful. “💡

Sahih Al-Bukhari

Music causes hypocrisy to grow in the heart. If you see the music videos, movie songs and everything else that there is, is there any kind of haya in it? are we able to even sit with the family and watch any of those things? What about the lyrics? ‎سبحان الله‎, It reeks vulgarity. If you think it releases you of stress, and leaving music would not help you, I urge you to give it a try. Try leaving it for a month and see the difference. If you are stressed listen to the Qur’an and see how the stress releases ‎إن شاء الله.

🔘4. Have a Private Calendar.

Keep milestones for your achievement on this calendar. Mark every successful day you managed to stay away from this in blue, and mark every slipped day with red. This will motivate you to do better and get as many blues as possible. (Can be used to overcome any bad habit).

🔘5. Set a Goal.

Place a target for yourself. Push yourself to abstain and achieve for that set amount of time.

⭐Spiritual Steps⭐

☇1. Make Tawba.

This should be done right away. There are four steps to making Tawba.

🌙 The intention (niyyah in the heart) to stop the sin (of pornography or any other sin) completely.

🌙 Feeling true remorse for the sin, shed tears of repentance.

🌙 Firm resolution and affirmation to never return to it again.

🌙 Fulfilling the rights. What this means is to give sadaqah or charity for the cause(sin). Example: Donating to organizations who are working towards eradicating this industry, or by purchasing paternal controls to some organizations or Islamic Weekend School etc.

☇2. Make Dua.

The importance of making Dua comes in every case that I have discussed. That’s because, its importance is beyond measurement. It is indeed, a weapon of a Believer against all the evils present in our personal lives as well as the society. So, do NOT underestimate the power of dua and ask Allah‎ﷻ to help you and guide you through this. Make dua for your husband, that Allah‎ﷻ guides him and makes it easy for you to help him overcome this; that he listens to you, and to grant taqwa of Allah‎ﷻ in his heart so as to leaving this sin altogether. Make dua for yourself, if it is you who is afflicted by this evil. ‎إن شاء الله!

☇3. Keep good company.

The Prophet‎ﷺ‎ said: 💡”A person acquires the same religion of his companions, so let them be aware of whom they befriend.”💡

Ahmad, Al-Tirmidhy and others.

☇4. Perform Dhikr.

Engage in constant Dhikr of Allah‎ﷻ and fill your heart with His remembrance.

Prophet Muhammed‎ﷺ‎ said: 💡“Indeed there is a piece of flesh in your body; that, if it be sound, then the whole body will be sound, and if it be corrupt, then the whole body will be corrupt. Indeed it is the heart.”💡

Sahih al-Bukhari

Take care of your heart and keep it firm upon your deen. Dhikr of Allah helps you stay firm in your resolutions. The sins we commit are harmful and are pathways to our heart; and whatever fills our heart directs the whole body. The moment you feel that you are slipping back to the sin, increase you Dhikr, your Ibadah and Sadaqah.

‎إن شاء الله!

May Allah‎ﷻ help and guide this ummah from staying away from major sins prevalent in society, and may He purify our hearts and enlighten and replace it with taqwa and noor of eeman..

‎أمين يا رب العلمين

‎سُبحَانَ رَبِّكَ رَبِ العِزَّةِ عَمَّا يَصِفُون وَسَلَامٌ عَلى المُرسَلِين والحَمدُ الله رَبِ العلمين

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Solace Islamic Assistance

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Case23: Marital Abuse

‎﷽‎

ولحَمْدُ الله رب العلمين

‎و الصلاة و السلام على محمد و على آله و اصحابه اجمعين وبعد

السلام عليكم ررحمة الله وبركاته

❓Question ❓

The sister who wrote to us is experiencing mental abuse of various kinds from her husband and in laws, and the abuse is carried forward to the kids as well. She has asked to address a variety of issues, within this abusive frame work, and I shall try to address each one by one, ‎إن شاء الله

🅰️Answer📝

To start with, the sister mentioned about her husband influencing her to do certain unIslamic and certain general things as well, that she didn’t want to do. To that my advice to her is, Allah‎ﷻ has created us all with free will and no one has the power to influence us in anyway, if we were to stand on The Day of Judgement and say that so and so influenced me or convinced me to do such and such thing, it’s not going to be validated, as we are accountable for our own deeds, good and bad. We cannot even say shaitaan made me do it, as even shaitaan our ardent enemy cannot influence us in such a way, unless we give in to that temptation or desires of our nafs. Always ask yourselves, is Allah going to be pleased with me if I do this, or will He be pleased with me if I leave this for His sake weigh your options and proceed with your actions.

No one can make you do something that you do not want to do especially when it concerns islamic actions and duties, we are not required to obey our husbands or our parents when they ask us to disobey Allah‎ﷻ.

Now when I say stand up for yourself, it does not mean you display aggressive behavior and create chaos at home, what I mean is firmly and with a strong will do what you got to do without being concerned about what anyone has to say about it, as long as it is obedience to Allah‎ﷻ and you know that you are doing the right thing. This attitude must not be misused to get away with whatever you want i.e, in the worldly matters. There are times where you have to be passive in order to have a smooth family life. Allah loves those who are patient, so take a stand where you have to and compromise and make adjustments where you need to.

The sister also mentioned about her husband not helping her around even in things such as doctor’s visits. You have to try to work your way around your husband, its not going to be easy to help him make that change and definitely not something thats going to happen over night, it will require a lot of hard work, patience and time to achieve that. First of all, try to create an Islamic environment in your house, educate yourself first and talk about what you are learning to the kids, you tell them this is what the Quran says about this topic, for example saying bismillah before eating, find out why we need to say it, it is not enough that we say bismillah, its important to know why as well this way you slowly move on to other topics, like salah, Allah‎ﷻ being the closest to us in sujood, and so fort. Learn it and teach to your our children in your husbands presence, so he hears it. Teach them about accountability for their actions so your husband is aware of his own accountability, do it in subtle ways, don’t try to impose it on him and give it to him one drop at a time. When he enters home let him listen to good things from you, so that the effects of that goodness transforms him slowly but steadily. ‎إن شاء الله

Make lots and lots of dua for his guidance, all the above things are possible only when you package it with dua. Be specific in your dua, I always tell this, and word it correctly. Ask Allah‎ﷻ specifically to make him a practicing Muslim, ask that the efforts you are taking bears fruit in yours and your husbands lives. ‎إن شاء الله

You told me you feel disconnected from your husband and how you can build that connection. The answer is by building your connection with Allah‎ﷻ first. Rectify your connection with Allah‎ﷻ and Allah‎ﷻ will rectify your husbands heart and rebuild your connection with your husband. ‎إن شاء الله

The change we want to see is the change we have to be.

“Indeed, Allah will not change the condition of a people until they change what is in themselves.”

{Surah Ar- Rād:11}

You mentioned that your ids/ passbooks/ cheque books and signature are misused by your in laws in your absence and without your consent. Well, don’t give them a chance to misuse it, if they are misusing important documents it’s perhaps because you are not careful with your belongings, you have to safeguard your belongings.

Anas ibn Malik reported: A man said, “O Messenger of Allah, should I tie my camel and trust in Allah, or should I untie her and trust in Allah?” The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “Tie her and trust in Allah.”

{Sunan At-Tirmidhi}

Do you see how the same hadith and verses from the quran helps us in different situations and scenarios. Take examples from the Quran and sunnah to apply it to your life.

Another issue you had was your in laws treatment of your children, I want you to pause and think here.

Do human beings have any power at all over another human being that they can damage them without Allah’s will. If they manage to damage you then that’s how Allah chooses to test you and if they don’t then that Glorifies Allah’s Power over all things and how insignificant we human beings are. He is the All- Powerful and human beings have no power over us at all. No one has the power to harm us in anyway, we are only human.

Detach and distance yourself from negative influence and try to focus more on building a positive self for yourself and your children and that’s possible only by holding on to the rope of Allah!

I ask Allah to give you strength for standing up for His sake and to grant you wisdom to handle situations wisely and diplomatically.

‎أمين يا رب العلمين

⚠Disclaimer: This advice is general and incase of severe physical, emotional or mental abuse. One must contact the nearest help centers or any trusted person who can help. ⚠

‎سُبحَانَ رَبِّكَ رَبِ العِزَّةِ عَمَّا يَصِفُون وَسَلَامٌ عَلى المُرسَلِين والحَمدُ الله رَبِ العلمين

🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸

Solace Islamic Assistance

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