Case 34: Husband having an affair with ex-girlfriend

‎﷽‎

ولحَمْدُ الله رب العلمين

‎و الصلاة و السلام على محمد و على آله و اصحابه اجمعين وبعد

السلام عليكم ورحمة الله وبركاته

❓*Question* ❓

The sister who contacted us is a revert Muslimah, she lost her mother to illness and has no support from any other family member. She has been married for almost 8 years with no children. Her issue is that her husband is having an affair with his ex- girlfriend and his family is also supporting him in his haram actions. He has given her two options, one is talaaq or two, is to remain as his first wife. The relationship has gone sour between them due to various factors(not going into too many details), and she wanted help with her options.

If Allah‎ﷻ intends good for someone, then He afflicts him with trials.

Sahih Bukhari

‎الَّذِي خَلَقَ الْمَوْتَ وَالْحَيَاةَ لِيَبْلُوَكُمْ أَيُّكُمْ أَحْسَنُ عَمَلًا وَهُوَ الْعَزِيزُ الْغَفُورُ

It is He who created death and life to test you as to which of you are best in deed, and He is the Almighty, the Forgiving.

Surat Al-Mulk 67:2

I have already spoken to the sister regarding her issue, and therefore will be giving a gist of the advice and suggestions I gave her.

The very first thing that I clarified with the sister was that— in her situation it was important for her to know that ultimately it bottled down to what she wanted to do, as she knows her situation best.

She is a strong person, with the confidence to take charge of her life, and currently running a small business to support herself, since, her husband isn’t working and she eventually had to resort to providing for herself.

The first and foremost advice I gave her was to seek Allah‎ﷻ’s counsel through Istekhara and to make dua at the time of tahajjud and put her complete tawwakal on Allah‎ﷻ. And, from there Allah‎ﷻ will guide her course. If she decides to stay in this relationship then truly Allah‎ﷻ is with the patient as The Messenger of Allah‎ﷺ‎ said:

Wondrous is the affair of the believer for there is good for him in every matter and this is not the case with anyone except the believer. If he is happy, then he thanks Allah and thus there is good for him, and if he is harmed, then he shows patience and thus there is good for him.

Sahih Muslim

‎إن شاء الله there would definitely be good in it for her, which ever direction her life takes that would be Allah‎ﷻ’s will and in His plans for her better life and hereafter. And without doubt there would be blessings for her in it.

I also told her to work on any shortcomings in her Ibadah, for that would bring immense barakah in her life as well, for example; if she was missing her salah, making it up as soon as possible, trying to perform her salah ‘on- time’ as soon as possible. Not missing the Sunnah’s. Building a relationship with the Qur’an etc. These acts of Ibadah done sincerely would not only add that barakah but also give her clarity in thought and guidance for a decision as well as . ‎إن شاء الله

On the contrary, if she feels that there isn’t any future to her relationship she should seek the help of a local Imam or any knowledgeable and trustworthy person who can help her. I gathered that the husband and his family are too eager to end the relationship with her. In this case I advised her to go for talaaq as a last resort, as the husband promised her settlement only if she opted for divorce, I advised her to put in writing any talks of settlement or promises in the presence of a wali.

I would like to add that divorce is disliked by Allah‎ﷻ and should be the last resort, if nothing else works.

She had mentioned to me that there were a few suggestions of her remarriage, if talaaq happens, my advice to her was not to think about that as of now, as her relationship with her husband has not reached a conclusion yet. And it not wise to think of another relationship when the first one hasn’t ended. If it’s in Allah‎ﷻ will for this to end then, He will replace it with something better for her as well. It would be wise to finish the Iddah and then consider another marriage. And Allah knows best.

And finally I advice her to make lots and lots of dua for herself and her husband and his family for their guidance and forgiveness. And to engage in constant Istaghfar herself, and to remember that the Messenger of Allah ‎ﷺ‎said:

Whoever oppresses his brother in his honor or anything else should resolve the matter today before it cannot be resolved with gold and silver coins. If he has good deeds to his credit, they will be taken from him according to the measure of his oppression, but if he has no good deeds left, then he will bear the evil deeds of his companion.

Sahih Bukhari

I ask Allah‎ﷻ to grant her a solution to her issue as soon as possible and bless her abundantly for her patience and grant her what’s best for her deen, dunya and akhira.

أمين يا رب العلمين

‎سُبحَانَ رَبِّكَ رَبِ العِزَّةِ عَمَّا يَصِفُون وَسَلَامٌ عَلى المُرسَلِين والحَمدُ الله رَبِ العلمين

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Solace Islamic Assistance

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Case 25: Possessive Husband

﷽‎

ولحَمْدُ الله رب العلمين

‎و الصلاة و السلام على محمد و على آله و اصحابه اجمعين وبعد

السلام عليكم ورحمة الله وبركاته

🔴Question:

☞Today’s question comes from a sister, who wants to know, how to deal with a controlling and possessive husband.

🔵Answer:

🔸I would like to start the reply to this one with a hadith,

The Prophet‎‎ﷺ‎ said,

💡” Whoever has oppressed another person concerning his reputation or anything else, he should beg him forgiveness before The Day of Resurrection, when there will be no money (to compensate for wrong deeds); but if he has good deeds, those good deeds will be taken from him, according to his oppression which he has done, and if he has no good deeds, the sins of the oppressed person will be loaded on him. “💡

{Sahih Al Bukhari}

The Prophet‎ﷺ‎ also said:

💡’The prayer of the oppressed is answered, even if he is a sinner as his sinning is only against his own soul.’💡

{Saheehul-Jam’i}

🔸The supplication of the heart, which is unmindful and heedless is not responded to. The heart of the one, who is oppressed, however, is not unmindful due to his constraint and dire need. Likewise, the one who is in distress, his supplication is answered even if he is not a Muslim. [ This is in the life of this world and does not apply to the Hereafter]

Also, Allah‎ﷻ said:

🌟’And who responds to the distressed one when he supplicates Him?’🌟

{Surah an-Naml (27):62}

🔸In Islam, the marriage of a man and a woman is not just a financial and physical arrangement of living together; but a sacred contract, a gift of Allah‎ﷻ, to lead a happy, enjoyable life and continue the lineage. The main goal of marriage in Islam, is the realization of tranquility and compassion between the spouses.

🔸The relationship between the spouses should be based on tranquility, love and mercy. These three summarize the ideals of an Islamic marriage. It is the duty of the husband and wife to see that they are a source of comfort and tranquility for each other.

🔸Now, in this case the wife is dealing with a controlling husband; and being controlling and over possessive to the degree, that he does not let her use her own judgement of right and wrong, in the guise of being over protective, is in fact a very selfish behavior; and falls under the category of emotional abuse and emotional oppression.

🔸Some of the characteristics of such people are: they are very rigid, self absorbed, and they have a need for admiration, ‘tell me I am a wonderful husband”, ‘adore me’. They lack empathy and do not consider the impact of their behavior on other people, also demanding to be the most important thing in their spouses life. They live in a ‘ME bubble’; they look at the world as if the rest of the world are givers and they are entitled to be receivers. It’s like, they are empty and they are filling up on other people’s attention and what people can give to them, because they are primarily focused on themselves. As a result, they do not see the other persons needs and are only concerned with their own needs. It’s a very fixed, rigid and challenging behavior. And, these kind of people need long term counseling and therapy, to motivate them to change their ways, as they have been this way, and chances are they will continue on being this way. But, it does not mean that you need to put up with this kind of behavior as a passive, submissive wife. Islam does not tolerate oppression and the oppressor is committing a sin; and in my opinion, it’s a matter of helping your spouse overcome this sin.

⚠I am sure at least some of you on the group might think Ya Allah, I am dealing with a person exactly like this… 🙂 Subhanallah!

☞As we cannot force anyone to approach counseling; the motivation to change, needs to come from within. However, we can make some adjustments within ourselves, to adapt and change the situation, and as always, make lots and lots of dua for the husband’s guidance.

☉The solution I am about to offer, on how to deal with a selfish and controlling spouse, does not involve raised voices, lashing out in anger saying ‘enough is enough,’ or threatening to end the relationship. None of these things have to happen. Relationships are an emotional seesaw; when you change, the other person changes.

☞First thing to look at is, what are the things in our control? If we cannot fix our husbands, then we must make sure we do not raise our son’s to grow up to be controlling, teach them to respect women, and treat them like their partners. It is a difficult task with the role model ever present, but not impossible, and as mothers, this is the responsibility that’s entrusted upon us by Allah سبحانه وتعالى , to raise them upon the haqq and teach them the true values of Islam, and teaching them to look unto Prophet‎ﷺ‎ as their role model, ‎إن شاء الله. When we can’t find a solution to our problems, we need to become ‘The Solution’. Either ‘we’ are a problem, or ‘the one’ who complains about problems, and nobody wants to associate with the one who is constantly complaining. Whereas, if we become the solution and act with wisdom, everyone would want to be with us, even our husbands.

⭐The heroines of Islam, the Sahabiyat رضى الله عنهم, were the women of wisdom; and Islam does not tell a woman not to use her intellect or wisdom. Islam does not say, a woman cannot voice her opinions,but quiet the contrary, actually. If a man is a shepherd of his family, a woman is a shepherd of her house. If she uses her Allah given wisdom to handle her household, her life and the lives of those around her, will become a pleasant journey.

✔We are responsible for the choices that we make, and Allah‎ﷻ has given us that free will to choose.

☞By, putting up with your husbands selfishness, you have made that unconscious choice to be helpless. Now, there are two things you can do and make a conscious choice; either be courageous to change your situation, or learn to accept things for what they are and settle into it with Sabr. We have to decide where we want to be. There are going to be consequences, whichever choice you make; as no action is without consequence. At least, you would have a satisfaction that, whatever the consequence, it was a conscious one, that you can claim ownership to.

🔸If you choose to be courageous and change your situation, then it’s important that you find your voice and build on the communication with your husband and give him some feedback; and draw a ‘it’s not okay’ line. Note that I said communicate, not yell and create an emotional chaos. People value us based on the value we hold ourselves in. Our self-worth and how we see ourselves, plays a critical role in how those who are associated with us treat us. If we place our self worth on a low level, that’s how we can expect to be treated.

☞Your husband needs to be shown an emotional mirror, that says,’stop! it’s not okay for you to treat me in such a selfish manner, where you don’t think it’s important to consider my needs and what I want.’ When you do this, what you are doing is, building a bridge towards him and letting him see, that what he did is selfish and inconsiderate, and it’s impacting you negatively. If you do not do this, then be prepared to face more of the same behavior, and feeling like a prisoner in your own life. Often times, women do not communicate their frustrations, because they fear abandonment; fearing that their spouse may withdraw or pull away emotionally; and kind of throw his mood around and be upset, because you called him out on his behavior, or your fear, that he may pull away physically and not talk,or worst still, end the relationship. So, as long as you let this fear- fear of abandonment- stop you from standing up and raising your value, then expect poor treatment, being dragged along the person’s selfish journey of what they want. It’s about developing the core- confidence within yourself and being able to step off of the emotional roller coaster of highs an lows and have your say. You seethe in resentment and suffer in silence; because you have lost your ability to say what you want and need, because it’s all about this other person and his ‘ME’ bubble, and so long as everything serves them, who cares about you!

❓How is this a foundation of a heathy marital relationship?

❓Going back to the definition of a healthy marriage that Allah‎ﷻ had ordained for us, how is this in anyway fulfilling Allah’s command of being a source of comfort and tranquility for each other.

☉It is possible to achieve all this and do so respectfully, and within the boundaries of being a good wife. Yes it is. Expressing dislike of a behavior does not make you a bad wife. Use your wisdom and a low key, respectful tone to put across what you have to, and do your part in building your marriage on the basis of mutual give and take. Put in your efforts and leave rest to Allah‎ﷻ, to bless you in it.

🌷I ask Allah‎ﷻ to grant you courage to raise your self-worth, and help you find your voice, to build a relationship based on respect and understanding, and I ask Allah‎ﷻ, to grant your husband the guidance to be an ideal muslim husband.

أمين يا رب العلمين

‎سُبحَانَ رَبِّكَ رَبِ العِزَّةِ عَمَّا يَصِفُون وَسَلَامٌ عَلى المُرسَلِين والحَمدُ الله رَبِ العلمين

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Solace Islamic Assistance

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Case23: Marital Abuse

‎﷽‎

ولحَمْدُ الله رب العلمين

‎و الصلاة و السلام على محمد و على آله و اصحابه اجمعين وبعد

السلام عليكم ررحمة الله وبركاته

❓Question ❓

The sister who wrote to us is experiencing mental abuse of various kinds from her husband and in laws, and the abuse is carried forward to the kids as well. She has asked to address a variety of issues, within this abusive frame work, and I shall try to address each one by one, ‎إن شاء الله

🅰️Answer📝

To start with, the sister mentioned about her husband influencing her to do certain unIslamic and certain general things as well, that she didn’t want to do. To that my advice to her is, Allah‎ﷻ has created us all with free will and no one has the power to influence us in anyway, if we were to stand on The Day of Judgement and say that so and so influenced me or convinced me to do such and such thing, it’s not going to be validated, as we are accountable for our own deeds, good and bad. We cannot even say shaitaan made me do it, as even shaitaan our ardent enemy cannot influence us in such a way, unless we give in to that temptation or desires of our nafs. Always ask yourselves, is Allah going to be pleased with me if I do this, or will He be pleased with me if I leave this for His sake weigh your options and proceed with your actions.

No one can make you do something that you do not want to do especially when it concerns islamic actions and duties, we are not required to obey our husbands or our parents when they ask us to disobey Allah‎ﷻ.

Now when I say stand up for yourself, it does not mean you display aggressive behavior and create chaos at home, what I mean is firmly and with a strong will do what you got to do without being concerned about what anyone has to say about it, as long as it is obedience to Allah‎ﷻ and you know that you are doing the right thing. This attitude must not be misused to get away with whatever you want i.e, in the worldly matters. There are times where you have to be passive in order to have a smooth family life. Allah loves those who are patient, so take a stand where you have to and compromise and make adjustments where you need to.

The sister also mentioned about her husband not helping her around even in things such as doctor’s visits. You have to try to work your way around your husband, its not going to be easy to help him make that change and definitely not something thats going to happen over night, it will require a lot of hard work, patience and time to achieve that. First of all, try to create an Islamic environment in your house, educate yourself first and talk about what you are learning to the kids, you tell them this is what the Quran says about this topic, for example saying bismillah before eating, find out why we need to say it, it is not enough that we say bismillah, its important to know why as well this way you slowly move on to other topics, like salah, Allah‎ﷻ being the closest to us in sujood, and so fort. Learn it and teach to your our children in your husbands presence, so he hears it. Teach them about accountability for their actions so your husband is aware of his own accountability, do it in subtle ways, don’t try to impose it on him and give it to him one drop at a time. When he enters home let him listen to good things from you, so that the effects of that goodness transforms him slowly but steadily. ‎إن شاء الله

Make lots and lots of dua for his guidance, all the above things are possible only when you package it with dua. Be specific in your dua, I always tell this, and word it correctly. Ask Allah‎ﷻ specifically to make him a practicing Muslim, ask that the efforts you are taking bears fruit in yours and your husbands lives. ‎إن شاء الله

You told me you feel disconnected from your husband and how you can build that connection. The answer is by building your connection with Allah‎ﷻ first. Rectify your connection with Allah‎ﷻ and Allah‎ﷻ will rectify your husbands heart and rebuild your connection with your husband. ‎إن شاء الله

The change we want to see is the change we have to be.

“Indeed, Allah will not change the condition of a people until they change what is in themselves.”

{Surah Ar- Rād:11}

You mentioned that your ids/ passbooks/ cheque books and signature are misused by your in laws in your absence and without your consent. Well, don’t give them a chance to misuse it, if they are misusing important documents it’s perhaps because you are not careful with your belongings, you have to safeguard your belongings.

Anas ibn Malik reported: A man said, “O Messenger of Allah, should I tie my camel and trust in Allah, or should I untie her and trust in Allah?” The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “Tie her and trust in Allah.”

{Sunan At-Tirmidhi}

Do you see how the same hadith and verses from the quran helps us in different situations and scenarios. Take examples from the Quran and sunnah to apply it to your life.

Another issue you had was your in laws treatment of your children, I want you to pause and think here.

Do human beings have any power at all over another human being that they can damage them without Allah’s will. If they manage to damage you then that’s how Allah chooses to test you and if they don’t then that Glorifies Allah’s Power over all things and how insignificant we human beings are. He is the All- Powerful and human beings have no power over us at all. No one has the power to harm us in anyway, we are only human.

Detach and distance yourself from negative influence and try to focus more on building a positive self for yourself and your children and that’s possible only by holding on to the rope of Allah!

I ask Allah to give you strength for standing up for His sake and to grant you wisdom to handle situations wisely and diplomatically.

‎أمين يا رب العلمين

⚠Disclaimer: This advice is general and incase of severe physical, emotional or mental abuse. One must contact the nearest help centers or any trusted person who can help. ⚠

‎سُبحَانَ رَبِّكَ رَبِ العِزَّةِ عَمَّا يَصِفُون وَسَلَامٌ عَلى المُرسَلِين والحَمدُ الله رَبِ العلمين

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