Case 31: Active five year old

بسم الله⚜⚜

الحمد الله⚜

والصَّلات والسَّلام على رسول الله⚜

السلام عليكم ورحمة الله وبركاته

🔴Question:

The issue we are taking up today concerns a five year old who is very active. This sister has various concerns about the child. She has her hands full dealing with his anger, stubbornness and disobedience. What she wants is to be his friend, but is unable to do so because he doesn’t even listen to her.

🔵 Answer:

Allah (‎ﷻ) has created all of us differently. People are born with different personalities, looks etc. Even children from the same womb are different. Every person’s fingerprints are unique to them. So comparing a child or expecting too much from them will only lead to disappointments.

Now concerning this particular child, he seems to be having a short attention span. His ability to engage in one activity for a long period of time is less. He seems to get bored easily. Some children even have high energy levels and when this energy is not channelized or utilized properly, it leads to hyperactivity.

To do this we need to engage the child in different indoor or outdoor activities other than school.

✅By indoor games this could mean making use of all his senses. It could be building or creating something using clay, or painting or solving puzzles etc. Watching television has its pros and cons. So what we choose to show to our kids is very important. There are a number of good Islamic channels which will help our children in developing their emaan. This one sister let’s her child watch cartoons only on weekends, but the child finds excuses to go to his friend’s house. This might be because he is being allowed to watch tv there. So it’s better we let our children watch the content we want them to watch than letting them go elsewhere to watch it.

Some of the beneficial and good Islamic channels are :

🔸Muslim kids T.V

🔸Zaky

🔸Baba Ali

🔸Misri Bunch

✅Now about outdoor games there is nothing as stimulating and beneficial as playing in the fresh air and sweating it out;especially for children who have high energy levels. Lots of activities are available in the school campus itself. Like skating, badminton, karate classes,swimming etc. If it is not possible to enroll kids in these type of outdoor games then taking them for walks in nearby parks is the next best thing.

✅Having good companionship is also very important for growing children. Children either learn from their parents, their siblings or from their friends. So the kind of company they keep affects the overall development of the child . These years are highly crucial for the child.

🌼In an authentic Hadith, the Prophet Muhammad (‎ﷺ‎) said: 💡”A person is likely to follow the faith of his friend, so look whom you befriend.” 💡[reported by Abu Dawood & Tirmidhee]

🏳Another issue that the sister has with the child is that he does not listen to her and doesn’t respect her.

☝First we need to understand that a child too deserves respect. So unless we give respect and attention to the child, we will not receive the same from them. To discipline the child, it is very important to set a routine for their activities. They should have a set of rules and regulations to follow and also have a checklist in which you can write down all the things that need to be done by them for them to be rewarded for it. For example doing the homework, doing the daily salaah, helping with the chores at home etc. So once the child does this, he should be rewarded and not bribed with it. And one more thing to follow here is that we have to be true to our promises. Once we tell them they will be rewarded with an hour of tv or a small gift for doing somthing, then if we don’t fulfill our promise, next time we will lose our child’s trust and respect.

To make this a reality we need to do this consistently. Its ok to have an off day when you or the child is sick but if we don’t follow the pattern consistently, it will not become a habit and will result in an unhealthy pattern of behavior.

When the child is being stubborn and not listening to the mother it’s ok to once in a while give in. Prioritize the things they can and cannot get or give them an alternative. If giving in to their demands is not going to become a habit and could lead to positive reinforcement, then it’s better to give the child what he desires. But it’s important that we draw a line when this stubbornness leads to negative behavior. Instant gratification of the need can be dangerous too. So it’s our duties as mothers to take the call in the best interest of our children and make the correct decision.

But whatever the situation, controlling our anger and being in control of the situation is very important. We should realize the anger exhibited by the child is only a sign or symptom of some underlying problem. So what we need to do is find the reason for this behavior. Using a calm and reasonable tone will help in getting to the bottom of the problem.

The best example for this is most definitely our Prophet Mohammed (‎ﷺ‎)

🌼It is narrated by Anas رضى الله عنه when mentioning his childhood, “I served the Prophet (‎ﷺ‎) for ten years, and he never said to me, “Uff” (a minor harsh word denoting impatience) and never blamed me by saying, “Why did you do so or why didn’t you do so?” (Sahih Al-Bukhari).

🌻We need to implement good values in our children by using a strong Islamic foundation. This can be done by first and foremost being good role models to them. We can tell and advice our children but what they will follow and do is what we show them in our day to day activities. Keep telling them stories of our Prophet(‎ﷺ‎) and his Seerah. Let the incidents of our Sahaba be a guiding light for them. Let the activities they engage in be somhow connected to Islamic values and teachings. For example if the child is interested in painting, get him a cutout of a masjid and ask him to color it, or if you are taking them to the zoo or nature walks, explain the majesty of Allah (‎ﷻ) who created even the most insignificant of creatures with their own purpose in life. Even watching television can be used constructively. There are lots of Islamic channels or sites on You tube which can provide a wealth of imformation and at the same time be entertaning. What we need to do is filter these sites and channels for our kids and monitor the content that they can watch .

Allah (‎ﷻ) has created us to worship him.

✅Therefore everything we do should be to please him. And when an act is done to please our Rabb then it becomes an ibaadah. So if we are putting our utmost effort in achieving our ultimate goal which is Jannah, then most definitely these acts will help us get closer to Allah (‎ﷻ) .

It is mentioned in the Quran 51:56

🌟”And I did not create the jinn and mankind except to worship Me.”🌟

So if we take the time and the effort to guide our children on the path to righteousness and the path towards Allah (‎ﷻ) and doing so with the sole intention of pleasing Him, then most definitely Allah (‎ﷻ) will make it easy for us and place barakah in our efforts.

🌼It is narrated on the authority of Umar ibn al-Khattab رضى الله عنه who said: I heard the Messenger (‎ﷺ‎)say:

💡“All actions are judged by motives, and each person will be rewarded according to their intention…”💡 (Saheeh Al-Bukhari, Saheeh Muslim)

🌟“Whoever brings a good deed shall have ten times the like thereof”🌟 (Surah al-Anaam:160)

Therefore I would like to end this with a Dua for our children who have to deal with much more temptations and distractions than us.

🌷Ya Allah bless our children. And enable them to obey You and make them kind towards us.

🌷Ya Allah you were the Teacher of Musa and Adam, so teach our kids too. Bestow them with knowledge.

🌷You gave beneficial knowledge to Suleiman so grant our kids beneficial knowledge too.

🌷You were the Giver of Hikmah and authentic, decisive speech to Luqman. So give them hikmah and authentic, decisive speech too.

🌷Teach them of what they are ignorant and remind them what they forget.

🌷Open on them (the doors of) barakah from the skies and from beneath.

Indeed You are the Listener andthe one who replies and accepts Dua’s.

أمين يا رب العلمين

و آخر الدعوانا أن الحمد لله رب العالمين.

🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸

Solace Islamic Assistance

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Case 26: Favoritism of parents towards one child

﷽‎

ولحَمْدُ الله رب العلمين

‎و الصلاة و السلام على محمد و على آله و اصحابه اجمعين وبعد

السلام عليكم ورحمة الله وبركاته

🔴Question:

❕The sister has said that her dad favors her brother over everything; although, they are grown up and married, he still holds him special, and treats him and his family with special treatment. She feels hurt and heart-broken because of this; and asked us to help her with this, as she doesn’t want to hold any grudges or ill feelings towards him, because of this.

🔵Answer:

‎سبحان الله‎!

✅The first thing I want to tell this sister is, that this is not an unusual situation at all. Favoritism is a very common and typical issue in most households, where there are two or more siblings. And in most cases, the parents are not even aware that they are doing this.

We have all heard these labels- “Daddy’s girl”, “ Mama’s Boy”, “Grandma’s Princess” ; nicknames, which are seemingly harmless. But how do we know when parents take favoritism too far?

📌First off, parents may show favoritism for various reasons. It could be shown to the oldest or the youngest. It could be a preference of a son over a daughter or the preference of a child more beautiful than the other or even for no apparent reason at all.

Favoritism comes in many ways. It could be in the form of showing more affection to a child, or excessive praise of one to the neglect of others, giving gifts to one child only or giving better, more expensive gifts to one child in preference to others. It can even be favoritism by simply ignoring one child as compared to the others.

✅Our Deen condemns all kinds of biases and injustices; and favoritism is a type of injustice. A parent is not being just if he/she shows favoritism.

🌟“Verily, Allah enjoins justice, and doing good, and giving (help) to kith and kin.”🌟

_Surah an-Nahl: 90_

🌼The Justice among children is also emphasized in the following Hadith:

💡Nu’maan ibn Basheer said: “My father gave me a gift of some of his wealth, but my mother, ‘Amrah bint Rawaahah, said, ‘I will not approve of it until you ask the Messenger of Allah‎ﷺ‎ to bear witness to it.’ So my father went to the Prophet‎ﷺ‎ to ask him to bear witness to the gift. The Messenger of Allah‎ﷺ‎ said to him, ‘Have you done the same for all of your children?’ He said, ‘No.’ He said, ‘Fear Allah and treat your children justly.’ So my father came back and took back that gift.”💡

_Bukhari, Muslim_

✅In fact, it is one of the rights of our children that they are treated equally.

🌹The Prophet‎ﷺ‎ said:

💡“Your children have the right of receiving equal treatment, as you have the right that they should honor you.”💡

_Abu Dawoud_

🌹And he‎ﷺ‎ also said:

💡“Do justice among your sons (kids),’ and repeated it thrice.”💡

_Muslim_

☡There has been a recent study on this topic, that shows that favoritism by parents can have a negative impact on the entire famil; even the one that’s being favored. Mainly, when the children perceive the parenting difference to be unfair, they are most reactive to that themselves.

✅Most parents might have an inclination towards one child over another. They are human beings as well, and it is natural to form that bond with one particular child, based on similar characteristic/ personalities that they may share with the parent or similar interests etc.

When favoritism becomes dramatically negative behavior toward one child and an extreme positive behavior to the others, that’s when the problem arises. Laughing at one child’s jokes etc.

The child’s perception of favoritism at home, is also something to pay attention to. It could become difficult for this child and basically cause him/her to be jealous of their sibling; and Sibling Rivalry is just one negative aspect that is born out of this treatment from the parents. But equal treatment is not the answer to this either, since each child is different and needs different things and need to be dealt with differently, with different level of attention. But when parents sometimes go overboard with this, that’s when it creates damage in the long run and the children carry it forward to their adulthood, in terms of their interactions and social relationships, their anxiety levels; and long term consequences would be faced.

⚬Usually, the child speaks up when they perceive favoritism, and it’s important that parents don’t ignore this and listen to the child and pay attention to their feelings.

🌴Making the children feel that each one is their favorite is the key. Again, the best example is our beloved Rasoolullah‎ﷺ‎. He never made his companions feel that one was favored upon the other, and each one thought that they were his favorite person. ‎سبحان الله‎!

🌹Rasoolullah‎ﷺ‎ said:

💡“The just will be with Allah on thrones of light ….those who are just in their rulings and are fair with their families and those of whom they are in charge.”💡

_Muslim_

✅Therefore, Muslim parents must fear Allah‎ﷻ in how they deal with their children. They must be just in their speech and judgments. The way they talk and behave with their children, and how they deal with them should be based on justice, without any discrimination or favoritism. If sometimes, a child needs that extra attention, it would do good to sit them down and explain, that, Look! I really love you and care about you, but at the moment, your brother or sister needs a little extra attention and that you’ll be right back with them; so from a very young age you are giving that security to your child.

⚬For the sister who is dealing with these, there are a few things I would like to say;⭐ The advice above is something you can use in dealing with your own children; and below are the things you can do, to improve your relationship with your father.

⚜ Talk to him about it. Parents, sometimes, might not be aware that they are doing this, and it might be unintentional on their part. Best thing to do is, to communicate your feelings to him. Most of the time, the parents are not even aware that they are favoring another child.

It would do good not to get too emotional about it and talk it out in a mature manner; or if you fear direct confrontation could lead to outbursts of emotion, write a letter letting him in on how you feel.

⚜ Talk to your Brother about this. Sometimes, if the siblings can get together and talk to each other, they would realize that they are as much jealous of you as you are of them. Sometimes, it’s the work of Shaitaan to bring up these negative thoughts in our head.

🌼Allah‎ﷻ tells us about this in the Quran, through the story of Habil and Qabil; how shaitaan created a rift between the two brothers, causing one to kill the other out of jealousy. We need to close doors for shaitaan to play with our emotions and keep the doors of communication open with our family. ‎إن شاء الله!

⚜ We also need to empathize with them, and try to understand how difficult it is for our parents to deal with us as well. If it’s more than one child, and each child being different, they need to pay attention to each child’s needs, and it’s not easy for them; and if you are a parent yourself then it’s easier to empathize with them.

✅So in conclusion, communication is the key. And in case communicating doesn’t bring about any difference in their attitude, which is highly unlikely; you need to just accept things for what they are and move on and forgive your dad. Ultimately, remember what status Allah‎ﷻ has given them in our lives, and we must just be patient and make lots of dua for them to be equal in their treatment, and for us to be that kind of parents as well.

🌟“And We have enjoined upon man [care] for his parents. His mother carried him, [increasing her] in weakness upon weakness, and his weaning is in two years. Be grateful to Me and to your parents; to Me is the [final] destination.”🌟

_SurahAl Luqman: 14_

🕯I ask Allah‎ﷻ to make us among those who are grateful to our parents, for taking care of us when we couldn’t take care of ourselves; and I ask Allah‎ﷻ to grant Hidaya to our parents to treat us justly, lest they fall under sin. I ask Allah‎ﷻ to protect us from becoming oppressors or from being the ones who are oppressed.

أمين يا رب العلمين

Case23: Marital Abuse

‎﷽‎

ولحَمْدُ الله رب العلمين

‎و الصلاة و السلام على محمد و على آله و اصحابه اجمعين وبعد

السلام عليكم ررحمة الله وبركاته

❓Question ❓

The sister who wrote to us is experiencing mental abuse of various kinds from her husband and in laws, and the abuse is carried forward to the kids as well. She has asked to address a variety of issues, within this abusive frame work, and I shall try to address each one by one, ‎إن شاء الله

🅰️Answer📝

To start with, the sister mentioned about her husband influencing her to do certain unIslamic and certain general things as well, that she didn’t want to do. To that my advice to her is, Allah‎ﷻ has created us all with free will and no one has the power to influence us in anyway, if we were to stand on The Day of Judgement and say that so and so influenced me or convinced me to do such and such thing, it’s not going to be validated, as we are accountable for our own deeds, good and bad. We cannot even say shaitaan made me do it, as even shaitaan our ardent enemy cannot influence us in such a way, unless we give in to that temptation or desires of our nafs. Always ask yourselves, is Allah going to be pleased with me if I do this, or will He be pleased with me if I leave this for His sake weigh your options and proceed with your actions.

No one can make you do something that you do not want to do especially when it concerns islamic actions and duties, we are not required to obey our husbands or our parents when they ask us to disobey Allah‎ﷻ.

Now when I say stand up for yourself, it does not mean you display aggressive behavior and create chaos at home, what I mean is firmly and with a strong will do what you got to do without being concerned about what anyone has to say about it, as long as it is obedience to Allah‎ﷻ and you know that you are doing the right thing. This attitude must not be misused to get away with whatever you want i.e, in the worldly matters. There are times where you have to be passive in order to have a smooth family life. Allah loves those who are patient, so take a stand where you have to and compromise and make adjustments where you need to.

The sister also mentioned about her husband not helping her around even in things such as doctor’s visits. You have to try to work your way around your husband, its not going to be easy to help him make that change and definitely not something thats going to happen over night, it will require a lot of hard work, patience and time to achieve that. First of all, try to create an Islamic environment in your house, educate yourself first and talk about what you are learning to the kids, you tell them this is what the Quran says about this topic, for example saying bismillah before eating, find out why we need to say it, it is not enough that we say bismillah, its important to know why as well this way you slowly move on to other topics, like salah, Allah‎ﷻ being the closest to us in sujood, and so fort. Learn it and teach to your our children in your husbands presence, so he hears it. Teach them about accountability for their actions so your husband is aware of his own accountability, do it in subtle ways, don’t try to impose it on him and give it to him one drop at a time. When he enters home let him listen to good things from you, so that the effects of that goodness transforms him slowly but steadily. ‎إن شاء الله

Make lots and lots of dua for his guidance, all the above things are possible only when you package it with dua. Be specific in your dua, I always tell this, and word it correctly. Ask Allah‎ﷻ specifically to make him a practicing Muslim, ask that the efforts you are taking bears fruit in yours and your husbands lives. ‎إن شاء الله

You told me you feel disconnected from your husband and how you can build that connection. The answer is by building your connection with Allah‎ﷻ first. Rectify your connection with Allah‎ﷻ and Allah‎ﷻ will rectify your husbands heart and rebuild your connection with your husband. ‎إن شاء الله

The change we want to see is the change we have to be.

“Indeed, Allah will not change the condition of a people until they change what is in themselves.”

{Surah Ar- Rād:11}

You mentioned that your ids/ passbooks/ cheque books and signature are misused by your in laws in your absence and without your consent. Well, don’t give them a chance to misuse it, if they are misusing important documents it’s perhaps because you are not careful with your belongings, you have to safeguard your belongings.

Anas ibn Malik reported: A man said, “O Messenger of Allah, should I tie my camel and trust in Allah, or should I untie her and trust in Allah?” The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “Tie her and trust in Allah.”

{Sunan At-Tirmidhi}

Do you see how the same hadith and verses from the quran helps us in different situations and scenarios. Take examples from the Quran and sunnah to apply it to your life.

Another issue you had was your in laws treatment of your children, I want you to pause and think here.

Do human beings have any power at all over another human being that they can damage them without Allah’s will. If they manage to damage you then that’s how Allah chooses to test you and if they don’t then that Glorifies Allah’s Power over all things and how insignificant we human beings are. He is the All- Powerful and human beings have no power over us at all. No one has the power to harm us in anyway, we are only human.

Detach and distance yourself from negative influence and try to focus more on building a positive self for yourself and your children and that’s possible only by holding on to the rope of Allah!

I ask Allah to give you strength for standing up for His sake and to grant you wisdom to handle situations wisely and diplomatically.

‎أمين يا رب العلمين

⚠Disclaimer: This advice is general and incase of severe physical, emotional or mental abuse. One must contact the nearest help centers or any trusted person who can help. ⚠

‎سُبحَانَ رَبِّكَ رَبِ العِزَّةِ عَمَّا يَصِفُون وَسَلَامٌ عَلى المُرسَلِين والحَمدُ الله رَبِ العلمين

🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸

Solace Islamic Assistance

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