Case 36: Waswasa’s and Insecurity

﷽‎

ولحَمْدُ الله رب العلمين

‎و الصلاة و السلام على محمد و على آله و اصحابه اجمعين وبعد

السلام عليكم ورحمة الله وبركاته

❓Question❓

Today’s case is regarding a sister who is not able to rid herself of her negative thoughts, and she is constantly having waswasa’s about her husband’s ex-girlfriend, and she is very insecure about her relationship. Although she is a practicing muslimah, she finds it very difficult to overcome these waswasas and thinks she is not strong enough to beat shaitaan.

🅰️Answer📝

Dear sister, you understand in your knowledge that these are nothing but waswasas from shaitaan. I have already done a post on OCD, and what you are experiencing is also a form of OCD. The constant thoughts of your husband’s ex and consequent negative thoughts related to this is a means through which shaitaan is trying to break you from inside and making it appear to you that you are weak.

Allah‎ﷻ has given us the power to beat shaitaan or else why would He give us the concept of free will? If we think we are weak, we will always remain weak, our thoughts and the language we use in communicating with ourselves plays a very important role in our self-concept, always use gentle words and language in dealing with yourself.

As always the important point to remember is that this is your test. This is how Allah‎ﷻ has chosen to test you, and you are strong as it is, and this test will only make you stronger. How can we think that we can’t beat shaitaan when he is merely a feeble creation of Allah‎ﷻ, just like us. He has no power over us, it is in us, if we are going to give him that power to control us.

As believers we are all faced with this trial, and if we give shaitaan that position of strength and power then where is the striving for the sake of Allah‎ﷻ and how can we attain Jannah. And what you need to tell yourself is there is no power or might except with Allah‎ﷻ. By giving shaitaan that authority over us, we would actually be committing shirk, استغفرالله! May Allah‎ﷻ protect us from that. أمين.

The next thing I want to tell you is, the fixation over your husband itself. As much as you may love your husband, and as much as you may be possessive about him, the ultimate love is that of Allah‎ﷻ, and we cannot love anyone more than we love Allah‎ﷻ, our obedience to our husbands should also be be solely for the sake of Allah‎ﷻ, and again we cannot give them the place that’s reserved for Allah‎ﷻ alone. We love them, we take care of them, are obedient to them, and we please them, only so that Allah‎ﷻ can be pleased with us. Period.

So, when you start seeing things from the perspective of pleasing Allah‎ﷻ first then automatically, your fixation will drop and you will have more tawakal ilallah, and your insecurities will start fading because you will now be secure in the comfort that your affairs are being taken care of by your maker. What more can one ask for when his affairs are in the hands of الوكيل (Al Wakeel- the disposer of affairs).

You also mentioned that you keep bring up the issue of his ex again and again in arguments with him, and you also said that he is not in touch with her, but you have a doubt that he may still have feelings for her. Well, I want to tell you here, is that, what you are doing is reminding him of something over and over again, when he has moved on. Why would you want to give him a reason to compare and create something which doesn’t exist by giving him these reminders. A wife should be a source of peace for her husband,

‘Abdullah ibn ‘Amr رضى الله عنه said, that the Messenger of Allah‎ﷺ‎ said: “This world is temporary joys, and the best temporary joy of this world is a righteous wife.”

Muslim and Ibn Maajah.

Be that kind of wife to your husband. By giving these constant reminders to your husband you are actually putting yourself in the very situation that you fear. I advice you to stop bringing up these sensitive and damaging issues and put your trust on Allah‎ﷻ and keep yourself engaged in useful activities.

To stop the waswasa’s, keep yourself in dhikr of Allah‎ﷻ and every time you sense the thought creeping in, seek refuge in Allah, say;

‎ أعوذ بالله من الشيطان الرجيم

and لا حَوْلَ وَلا قُوَّةَ إِلا بِالله

recite آية الكرسي, the four قل etc. These are the best and effective tools against fighting shaitaan, and the key here is to stop the negative thought right at its root, don’t dwell on these thoughts as they are like a leech and will start feeding on you if you let them creep in even if it’s just a crack.

It’s is not easy fighting the enemy, but with perseverance and sincere efforts combined with complete trust and reliance on Allah‎ﷻ, it’s absolutely possible.

I ask Allah‎ﷻ to make your struggles easy for you and to help you overcome your negative thinking and to grant you victory in your fight against shaitaan.

أمين يا رب العلمين

‎سُبحَانَ رَبِّكَ رَبِ العِزَّةِ عَمَّا يَصِفُون وَسَلَامٌ عَلى المُرسَلِين والحَمدُ الله رَبِ العلمين

🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸

Solace Islamic Assistance

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Case 34: Husband having an affair with ex-girlfriend

‎﷽‎

ولحَمْدُ الله رب العلمين

‎و الصلاة و السلام على محمد و على آله و اصحابه اجمعين وبعد

السلام عليكم ورحمة الله وبركاته

❓*Question* ❓

The sister who contacted us is a revert Muslimah, she lost her mother to illness and has no support from any other family member. She has been married for almost 8 years with no children. Her issue is that her husband is having an affair with his ex- girlfriend and his family is also supporting him in his haram actions. He has given her two options, one is talaaq or two, is to remain as his first wife. The relationship has gone sour between them due to various factors(not going into too many details), and she wanted help with her options.

If Allah‎ﷻ intends good for someone, then He afflicts him with trials.

Sahih Bukhari

‎الَّذِي خَلَقَ الْمَوْتَ وَالْحَيَاةَ لِيَبْلُوَكُمْ أَيُّكُمْ أَحْسَنُ عَمَلًا وَهُوَ الْعَزِيزُ الْغَفُورُ

It is He who created death and life to test you as to which of you are best in deed, and He is the Almighty, the Forgiving.

Surat Al-Mulk 67:2

I have already spoken to the sister regarding her issue, and therefore will be giving a gist of the advice and suggestions I gave her.

The very first thing that I clarified with the sister was that— in her situation it was important for her to know that ultimately it bottled down to what she wanted to do, as she knows her situation best.

She is a strong person, with the confidence to take charge of her life, and currently running a small business to support herself, since, her husband isn’t working and she eventually had to resort to providing for herself.

The first and foremost advice I gave her was to seek Allah‎ﷻ’s counsel through Istekhara and to make dua at the time of tahajjud and put her complete tawwakal on Allah‎ﷻ. And, from there Allah‎ﷻ will guide her course. If she decides to stay in this relationship then truly Allah‎ﷻ is with the patient as The Messenger of Allah‎ﷺ‎ said:

Wondrous is the affair of the believer for there is good for him in every matter and this is not the case with anyone except the believer. If he is happy, then he thanks Allah and thus there is good for him, and if he is harmed, then he shows patience and thus there is good for him.

Sahih Muslim

‎إن شاء الله there would definitely be good in it for her, which ever direction her life takes that would be Allah‎ﷻ’s will and in His plans for her better life and hereafter. And without doubt there would be blessings for her in it.

I also told her to work on any shortcomings in her Ibadah, for that would bring immense barakah in her life as well, for example; if she was missing her salah, making it up as soon as possible, trying to perform her salah ‘on- time’ as soon as possible. Not missing the Sunnah’s. Building a relationship with the Qur’an etc. These acts of Ibadah done sincerely would not only add that barakah but also give her clarity in thought and guidance for a decision as well as . ‎إن شاء الله

On the contrary, if she feels that there isn’t any future to her relationship she should seek the help of a local Imam or any knowledgeable and trustworthy person who can help her. I gathered that the husband and his family are too eager to end the relationship with her. In this case I advised her to go for talaaq as a last resort, as the husband promised her settlement only if she opted for divorce, I advised her to put in writing any talks of settlement or promises in the presence of a wali.

I would like to add that divorce is disliked by Allah‎ﷻ and should be the last resort, if nothing else works.

She had mentioned to me that there were a few suggestions of her remarriage, if talaaq happens, my advice to her was not to think about that as of now, as her relationship with her husband has not reached a conclusion yet. And it not wise to think of another relationship when the first one hasn’t ended. If it’s in Allah‎ﷻ will for this to end then, He will replace it with something better for her as well. It would be wise to finish the Iddah and then consider another marriage. And Allah knows best.

And finally I advice her to make lots and lots of dua for herself and her husband and his family for their guidance and forgiveness. And to engage in constant Istaghfar herself, and to remember that the Messenger of Allah ‎ﷺ‎said:

Whoever oppresses his brother in his honor or anything else should resolve the matter today before it cannot be resolved with gold and silver coins. If he has good deeds to his credit, they will be taken from him according to the measure of his oppression, but if he has no good deeds left, then he will bear the evil deeds of his companion.

Sahih Bukhari

I ask Allah‎ﷻ to grant her a solution to her issue as soon as possible and bless her abundantly for her patience and grant her what’s best for her deen, dunya and akhira.

أمين يا رب العلمين

‎سُبحَانَ رَبِّكَ رَبِ العِزَّةِ عَمَّا يَصِفُون وَسَلَامٌ عَلى المُرسَلِين والحَمدُ الله رَبِ العلمين

🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸

Solace Islamic Assistance

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Case 28: Assertiveness and Dealing with demanding people

‎﷽‎

والحَمْدُ الله رب العلمين

‎و الصلاة و السلام على محمد و على آله و اصحابه اجمعين وبعد

السلام عليكم ورحمة الله وبركاته

🔴Question:

⚬The sister feels that she is a very giving person, and when people ask her to do something, she can’t say no to them. Of late, she has started spending time on herself and doing things she wanted to do for a long time; and she is not able to give as much time to others in her life. Because of this she hears bitter things from people, and has also lost a couple of friends. She needs advice in this matter.

🔵Answer:

⚬Dear Sister, What you lack is something called ‘assertiveness’. To overcome this issue, you need to first understand what assertiveness is.

By definition, ‘Assertiveness’ means being able to stand up for your own or other people’s rights in a calm and positive way, without being either aggressive, or passively accepting ‘wrong’.

☞And it is not a concept unknown in Islam either. Our beloved Prophet‎ﷺ‎ was a very assertive person and He had the following traits. He was ‘balanced’, ‘calm’, ‘polite’, and ‘respectful’. Being assertive, also means reaching our goals without hurting or insulting others.

Assertive people love for others what they love for themselves and do their best to turn a win-lose situation into a win-win situation, just like prophet‎ﷺ‎

💐Assertiveness is not a single quality, but a collection of complementary traits that formulates a healthy personality. Some of these traits are psychological, while others are social skills, that a person learns and develops.

🌸Prophet Muhammad‎ﷺ‎ was an expert at the art of social networking.

Indeed, the Qur’an gives us sufficient reason to develop this skill, since Allah‎ﷻ declares in the Qur’an that people are supposed to get to know each other, saying: 🌟“O humankind! Indeed, we created you from a male and female and made you into nations and tribes so you could get to know each other (and not despise each other). Indeed, the best of you with Allah are those who are most God-fearing.”🌟

[ _Sūrah al-Hujūrāt_: 13]

☞The success of any human relationship, whether personal, social, or societal, requires excellent interpersonal skills. This was critical for Prophet Muhammad‎ﷺ‎ whose mission was to convey Allah’s message to all humanity. The story of his life was a succession of interpersonal dealings, wherein he exhibited impeccable conduct and the best of manners with everyone near and far, whether it was a friend or enemy. There are many things we can learn from our Prophet‎ﷺ‎ life, and learning assertiveness is of course one of the lessons to learn from his Seerah, and we can see one such example here:

☞He‎ﷺ‎ would begin by greeting everyone with السلام عليكم, a smiling face, and a handshake. When someone sat with him, he would always give him his cushion, preferring that person’s comfort over his own. He would always give people his full attention when they spoke, and spoke clearly and openly to them in return. He would gladly repeat himself if he had to.

🌼These were his speaking habits. `Ā’ishah said:🍁 “Allah’s Messenger‎ﷺ‎ did not drone on in speaking the way you do today. His speech was clear and concise, and everyone who heard it would remember it.”🍁

🌼Anas ibn Mālik would recall:🍁 “Allah’s Messenger would repeat what he said three times to allow someone to understand him.”🍁

🕯Ask Yourself When you help someone, how does it make you feel? Do you feel a sense of happiness and satisfaction or do you feel drained. If you feel drained then, refrain from overloading yourself.

🕯You cannot give what you don’t have. You need to take care of yourself first. If you see my DP, it’s says you cannot serve from an empty cup, ‘you need to take care of yourself first’. I truly believe that.

🕯Every relationship has a cost, what is it costing you to be there? If the cost is your dignity, your self respect, your individuality, your health, your peace of mind, you need to let them go. If people stay in your life as long as you let them exploit and abuse you, and once you start preserving yourself and moving on doing things in your life that you have always wanted to do, and if they have a problem with that, then it’s time to re- evaluate if these people are really your friends.

🏳To me they are ‘Toxic People’. Sometimes this toxic person can be someone who is close to you, a close relative or family member; you may ask, how can I let go of kith and kin, when Islam teaches us to be good to people. When I say let go it’s not that you start cutting your ties with them or be rude to them or hurt them and change your basic character. What I mean is, learn to respect yourself and that it’s okay to say no to them if you aren’t able to do something for them, and there is no need to be guilty and feel sad if you lose people in the process. Those who matter and to those whom you matter will remain in your life no matter what.

✅Our Deen is about balance and we need to take care of our health, mental and physical; as they are an amanah to us, and overburdening and stressing ourselves out will only lead us to holding grudges against the other person. We may do what’s being asked but will that be wholehearted and lovingly?

🌸The Prophet‎ﷺ‎ said,💡 “Do not be of those who do to others as the others do to them, and say that we will do them a favor if they do us a favor, and if they will be mean and unjust to us then we, too, will be mean and unjust to them. On the contrary, resolve that you will do good if the others do good, and if they do a wrong and act unjustly, even then you will not be unfair to them.”💡

✅People always have an expectation of ‘who they think you are’, and when you fall short of their expectations, they get uncomfortable with that fact. What you need to understand is, that it doesn’t have anything to do with you; but it has to do with their expectations, and that they are defining for you what and what not should be your limitations or boundaries, and what your life should be like. And those are the people who leave you, because they liked you in your misery and they liked it that you were somehow boosting their egos and serving them and doing things for them at their beck and call. This makes them uncomfortable and what you need to understand and recognize is, that this had nothing to do with you.

⚠You are responsible only for how you conduct yourself, and how others behave is not in your control, and you are not required to do something if you are not able to.

🕯You need to fix your priorities first- taking care of your family, your parents, your household, things which have meaning for you, like learning the deen for example- these are important things and are a natural priority; and if you can manage to help someone outside of that, then you do; and if you know that you can’t accommodate it, be open in saying so with no guilt attached. If you think you can in fact help some time in the future or at any given time, then make your availability known to them.

⭐Finally, remember whose sake you are doing it for? Renew your intention and do what’s in your capacity and make dua for the people whom you have lost as well.

🌷May Allah‎ﷻ guide us all to sirat-al- mustaqeem and help us work in His path pleasing Him and I ask Him to not hold us accountable for what’s not in our control and forgive us if we have intentionally or unintentionally wronged the people in our lives.

أمين يا رب العلمين

‎سُبحَانَ رَبِّكَ رَبِ العِزَّةِ عَمَّا يَصِفُون وَسَلَامٌ على المُرسَلِين والحَمدُ الله رَبِ العلمين

🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸

Solace Islamic Assistance

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Case 26: Favoritism of parents towards one child

﷽‎

ولحَمْدُ الله رب العلمين

‎و الصلاة و السلام على محمد و على آله و اصحابه اجمعين وبعد

السلام عليكم ورحمة الله وبركاته

🔴Question:

❕The sister has said that her dad favors her brother over everything; although, they are grown up and married, he still holds him special, and treats him and his family with special treatment. She feels hurt and heart-broken because of this; and asked us to help her with this, as she doesn’t want to hold any grudges or ill feelings towards him, because of this.

🔵Answer:

‎سبحان الله‎!

✅The first thing I want to tell this sister is, that this is not an unusual situation at all. Favoritism is a very common and typical issue in most households, where there are two or more siblings. And in most cases, the parents are not even aware that they are doing this.

We have all heard these labels- “Daddy’s girl”, “ Mama’s Boy”, “Grandma’s Princess” ; nicknames, which are seemingly harmless. But how do we know when parents take favoritism too far?

📌First off, parents may show favoritism for various reasons. It could be shown to the oldest or the youngest. It could be a preference of a son over a daughter or the preference of a child more beautiful than the other or even for no apparent reason at all.

Favoritism comes in many ways. It could be in the form of showing more affection to a child, or excessive praise of one to the neglect of others, giving gifts to one child only or giving better, more expensive gifts to one child in preference to others. It can even be favoritism by simply ignoring one child as compared to the others.

✅Our Deen condemns all kinds of biases and injustices; and favoritism is a type of injustice. A parent is not being just if he/she shows favoritism.

🌟“Verily, Allah enjoins justice, and doing good, and giving (help) to kith and kin.”🌟

_Surah an-Nahl: 90_

🌼The Justice among children is also emphasized in the following Hadith:

💡Nu’maan ibn Basheer said: “My father gave me a gift of some of his wealth, but my mother, ‘Amrah bint Rawaahah, said, ‘I will not approve of it until you ask the Messenger of Allah‎ﷺ‎ to bear witness to it.’ So my father went to the Prophet‎ﷺ‎ to ask him to bear witness to the gift. The Messenger of Allah‎ﷺ‎ said to him, ‘Have you done the same for all of your children?’ He said, ‘No.’ He said, ‘Fear Allah and treat your children justly.’ So my father came back and took back that gift.”💡

_Bukhari, Muslim_

✅In fact, it is one of the rights of our children that they are treated equally.

🌹The Prophet‎ﷺ‎ said:

💡“Your children have the right of receiving equal treatment, as you have the right that they should honor you.”💡

_Abu Dawoud_

🌹And he‎ﷺ‎ also said:

💡“Do justice among your sons (kids),’ and repeated it thrice.”💡

_Muslim_

☡There has been a recent study on this topic, that shows that favoritism by parents can have a negative impact on the entire famil; even the one that’s being favored. Mainly, when the children perceive the parenting difference to be unfair, they are most reactive to that themselves.

✅Most parents might have an inclination towards one child over another. They are human beings as well, and it is natural to form that bond with one particular child, based on similar characteristic/ personalities that they may share with the parent or similar interests etc.

When favoritism becomes dramatically negative behavior toward one child and an extreme positive behavior to the others, that’s when the problem arises. Laughing at one child’s jokes etc.

The child’s perception of favoritism at home, is also something to pay attention to. It could become difficult for this child and basically cause him/her to be jealous of their sibling; and Sibling Rivalry is just one negative aspect that is born out of this treatment from the parents. But equal treatment is not the answer to this either, since each child is different and needs different things and need to be dealt with differently, with different level of attention. But when parents sometimes go overboard with this, that’s when it creates damage in the long run and the children carry it forward to their adulthood, in terms of their interactions and social relationships, their anxiety levels; and long term consequences would be faced.

⚬Usually, the child speaks up when they perceive favoritism, and it’s important that parents don’t ignore this and listen to the child and pay attention to their feelings.

🌴Making the children feel that each one is their favorite is the key. Again, the best example is our beloved Rasoolullah‎ﷺ‎. He never made his companions feel that one was favored upon the other, and each one thought that they were his favorite person. ‎سبحان الله‎!

🌹Rasoolullah‎ﷺ‎ said:

💡“The just will be with Allah on thrones of light ….those who are just in their rulings and are fair with their families and those of whom they are in charge.”💡

_Muslim_

✅Therefore, Muslim parents must fear Allah‎ﷻ in how they deal with their children. They must be just in their speech and judgments. The way they talk and behave with their children, and how they deal with them should be based on justice, without any discrimination or favoritism. If sometimes, a child needs that extra attention, it would do good to sit them down and explain, that, Look! I really love you and care about you, but at the moment, your brother or sister needs a little extra attention and that you’ll be right back with them; so from a very young age you are giving that security to your child.

⚬For the sister who is dealing with these, there are a few things I would like to say;⭐ The advice above is something you can use in dealing with your own children; and below are the things you can do, to improve your relationship with your father.

⚜ Talk to him about it. Parents, sometimes, might not be aware that they are doing this, and it might be unintentional on their part. Best thing to do is, to communicate your feelings to him. Most of the time, the parents are not even aware that they are favoring another child.

It would do good not to get too emotional about it and talk it out in a mature manner; or if you fear direct confrontation could lead to outbursts of emotion, write a letter letting him in on how you feel.

⚜ Talk to your Brother about this. Sometimes, if the siblings can get together and talk to each other, they would realize that they are as much jealous of you as you are of them. Sometimes, it’s the work of Shaitaan to bring up these negative thoughts in our head.

🌼Allah‎ﷻ tells us about this in the Quran, through the story of Habil and Qabil; how shaitaan created a rift between the two brothers, causing one to kill the other out of jealousy. We need to close doors for shaitaan to play with our emotions and keep the doors of communication open with our family. ‎إن شاء الله!

⚜ We also need to empathize with them, and try to understand how difficult it is for our parents to deal with us as well. If it’s more than one child, and each child being different, they need to pay attention to each child’s needs, and it’s not easy for them; and if you are a parent yourself then it’s easier to empathize with them.

✅So in conclusion, communication is the key. And in case communicating doesn’t bring about any difference in their attitude, which is highly unlikely; you need to just accept things for what they are and move on and forgive your dad. Ultimately, remember what status Allah‎ﷻ has given them in our lives, and we must just be patient and make lots of dua for them to be equal in their treatment, and for us to be that kind of parents as well.

🌟“And We have enjoined upon man [care] for his parents. His mother carried him, [increasing her] in weakness upon weakness, and his weaning is in two years. Be grateful to Me and to your parents; to Me is the [final] destination.”🌟

_SurahAl Luqman: 14_

🕯I ask Allah‎ﷻ to make us among those who are grateful to our parents, for taking care of us when we couldn’t take care of ourselves; and I ask Allah‎ﷻ to grant Hidaya to our parents to treat us justly, lest they fall under sin. I ask Allah‎ﷻ to protect us from becoming oppressors or from being the ones who are oppressed.

أمين يا رب العلمين

Case 25: Possessive Husband

﷽‎

ولحَمْدُ الله رب العلمين

‎و الصلاة و السلام على محمد و على آله و اصحابه اجمعين وبعد

السلام عليكم ورحمة الله وبركاته

🔴Question:

☞Today’s question comes from a sister, who wants to know, how to deal with a controlling and possessive husband.

🔵Answer:

🔸I would like to start the reply to this one with a hadith,

The Prophet‎‎ﷺ‎ said,

💡” Whoever has oppressed another person concerning his reputation or anything else, he should beg him forgiveness before The Day of Resurrection, when there will be no money (to compensate for wrong deeds); but if he has good deeds, those good deeds will be taken from him, according to his oppression which he has done, and if he has no good deeds, the sins of the oppressed person will be loaded on him. “💡

{Sahih Al Bukhari}

The Prophet‎ﷺ‎ also said:

💡’The prayer of the oppressed is answered, even if he is a sinner as his sinning is only against his own soul.’💡

{Saheehul-Jam’i}

🔸The supplication of the heart, which is unmindful and heedless is not responded to. The heart of the one, who is oppressed, however, is not unmindful due to his constraint and dire need. Likewise, the one who is in distress, his supplication is answered even if he is not a Muslim. [ This is in the life of this world and does not apply to the Hereafter]

Also, Allah‎ﷻ said:

🌟’And who responds to the distressed one when he supplicates Him?’🌟

{Surah an-Naml (27):62}

🔸In Islam, the marriage of a man and a woman is not just a financial and physical arrangement of living together; but a sacred contract, a gift of Allah‎ﷻ, to lead a happy, enjoyable life and continue the lineage. The main goal of marriage in Islam, is the realization of tranquility and compassion between the spouses.

🔸The relationship between the spouses should be based on tranquility, love and mercy. These three summarize the ideals of an Islamic marriage. It is the duty of the husband and wife to see that they are a source of comfort and tranquility for each other.

🔸Now, in this case the wife is dealing with a controlling husband; and being controlling and over possessive to the degree, that he does not let her use her own judgement of right and wrong, in the guise of being over protective, is in fact a very selfish behavior; and falls under the category of emotional abuse and emotional oppression.

🔸Some of the characteristics of such people are: they are very rigid, self absorbed, and they have a need for admiration, ‘tell me I am a wonderful husband”, ‘adore me’. They lack empathy and do not consider the impact of their behavior on other people, also demanding to be the most important thing in their spouses life. They live in a ‘ME bubble’; they look at the world as if the rest of the world are givers and they are entitled to be receivers. It’s like, they are empty and they are filling up on other people’s attention and what people can give to them, because they are primarily focused on themselves. As a result, they do not see the other persons needs and are only concerned with their own needs. It’s a very fixed, rigid and challenging behavior. And, these kind of people need long term counseling and therapy, to motivate them to change their ways, as they have been this way, and chances are they will continue on being this way. But, it does not mean that you need to put up with this kind of behavior as a passive, submissive wife. Islam does not tolerate oppression and the oppressor is committing a sin; and in my opinion, it’s a matter of helping your spouse overcome this sin.

⚠I am sure at least some of you on the group might think Ya Allah, I am dealing with a person exactly like this… 🙂 Subhanallah!

☞As we cannot force anyone to approach counseling; the motivation to change, needs to come from within. However, we can make some adjustments within ourselves, to adapt and change the situation, and as always, make lots and lots of dua for the husband’s guidance.

☉The solution I am about to offer, on how to deal with a selfish and controlling spouse, does not involve raised voices, lashing out in anger saying ‘enough is enough,’ or threatening to end the relationship. None of these things have to happen. Relationships are an emotional seesaw; when you change, the other person changes.

☞First thing to look at is, what are the things in our control? If we cannot fix our husbands, then we must make sure we do not raise our son’s to grow up to be controlling, teach them to respect women, and treat them like their partners. It is a difficult task with the role model ever present, but not impossible, and as mothers, this is the responsibility that’s entrusted upon us by Allah سبحانه وتعالى , to raise them upon the haqq and teach them the true values of Islam, and teaching them to look unto Prophet‎ﷺ‎ as their role model, ‎إن شاء الله. When we can’t find a solution to our problems, we need to become ‘The Solution’. Either ‘we’ are a problem, or ‘the one’ who complains about problems, and nobody wants to associate with the one who is constantly complaining. Whereas, if we become the solution and act with wisdom, everyone would want to be with us, even our husbands.

⭐The heroines of Islam, the Sahabiyat رضى الله عنهم, were the women of wisdom; and Islam does not tell a woman not to use her intellect or wisdom. Islam does not say, a woman cannot voice her opinions,but quiet the contrary, actually. If a man is a shepherd of his family, a woman is a shepherd of her house. If she uses her Allah given wisdom to handle her household, her life and the lives of those around her, will become a pleasant journey.

✔We are responsible for the choices that we make, and Allah‎ﷻ has given us that free will to choose.

☞By, putting up with your husbands selfishness, you have made that unconscious choice to be helpless. Now, there are two things you can do and make a conscious choice; either be courageous to change your situation, or learn to accept things for what they are and settle into it with Sabr. We have to decide where we want to be. There are going to be consequences, whichever choice you make; as no action is without consequence. At least, you would have a satisfaction that, whatever the consequence, it was a conscious one, that you can claim ownership to.

🔸If you choose to be courageous and change your situation, then it’s important that you find your voice and build on the communication with your husband and give him some feedback; and draw a ‘it’s not okay’ line. Note that I said communicate, not yell and create an emotional chaos. People value us based on the value we hold ourselves in. Our self-worth and how we see ourselves, plays a critical role in how those who are associated with us treat us. If we place our self worth on a low level, that’s how we can expect to be treated.

☞Your husband needs to be shown an emotional mirror, that says,’stop! it’s not okay for you to treat me in such a selfish manner, where you don’t think it’s important to consider my needs and what I want.’ When you do this, what you are doing is, building a bridge towards him and letting him see, that what he did is selfish and inconsiderate, and it’s impacting you negatively. If you do not do this, then be prepared to face more of the same behavior, and feeling like a prisoner in your own life. Often times, women do not communicate their frustrations, because they fear abandonment; fearing that their spouse may withdraw or pull away emotionally; and kind of throw his mood around and be upset, because you called him out on his behavior, or your fear, that he may pull away physically and not talk,or worst still, end the relationship. So, as long as you let this fear- fear of abandonment- stop you from standing up and raising your value, then expect poor treatment, being dragged along the person’s selfish journey of what they want. It’s about developing the core- confidence within yourself and being able to step off of the emotional roller coaster of highs an lows and have your say. You seethe in resentment and suffer in silence; because you have lost your ability to say what you want and need, because it’s all about this other person and his ‘ME’ bubble, and so long as everything serves them, who cares about you!

❓How is this a foundation of a heathy marital relationship?

❓Going back to the definition of a healthy marriage that Allah‎ﷻ had ordained for us, how is this in anyway fulfilling Allah’s command of being a source of comfort and tranquility for each other.

☉It is possible to achieve all this and do so respectfully, and within the boundaries of being a good wife. Yes it is. Expressing dislike of a behavior does not make you a bad wife. Use your wisdom and a low key, respectful tone to put across what you have to, and do your part in building your marriage on the basis of mutual give and take. Put in your efforts and leave rest to Allah‎ﷻ, to bless you in it.

🌷I ask Allah‎ﷻ to grant you courage to raise your self-worth, and help you find your voice, to build a relationship based on respect and understanding, and I ask Allah‎ﷻ, to grant your husband the guidance to be an ideal muslim husband.

أمين يا رب العلمين

‎سُبحَانَ رَبِّكَ رَبِ العِزَّةِ عَمَّا يَصِفُون وَسَلَامٌ عَلى المُرسَلِين والحَمدُ الله رَبِ العلمين

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Case 18: Losing Focus in Learning the Deen

‎﷽‎‬

ولحَمْدُ الله
وَصَّلَاتُ وَسَّلَامُ عَلَى رَسُول الله
السلام عليكم ررحمة الله وبركاته

❓Question❓

The sister is a student of deen and a house wife, and she says that she sometimes loses focus from learning and she also feels guilty about it and feels like she is not using her time usefully, although she does all the household chores, takes care of her children and also does volunteering work. She want to know she can overcome this.

🅰️Answer📝

To answer the sisters question, let me first explain briefly about the duties of a woman in Islam. Just as the man is a protector and maintainer of a woman, in terms of taking the responsibility of his family. A woman is also a protector and maintainer within the household, it is a duty of a woman to take care of her husband’s household and his children, and it is a highly responsible job to raise children with proper Islamic values. So, sister do not think that you are ‘just’ raising your children, because its not an easy job especially in the times that we are living in today. Raising children is not a mediocre job, it requires a lot of effort and time. Appreciate yourself for the challenges you face everyday with this huge responsibility. And this is your number one duty you are assigned by Allah‎ﷻ‬ as well.

The next huge job is that of the household chores, again it’s not easy, as difficult and challenging as your children’s upbringing is, managing household chores is not a meagre task either. We women often underestimate ourselves for not doing enough in the duties we are entrusted with and usually end up saying its just so much I am doing. Although Islam does not require us to do house work, think of the hasanath you are piling up by doing these things for our family members. Also, we should learn to pat our backs some times for doing a job well done and we mustn’t forget who has designated us with the position of being these protectors and maintainers, Allahﷻ‬ Himself.

Now, you are also doing voluntary work and making time for serving the community, I cannot emphasize the rewards of spending your time for the sake of Allah‎ﷻ‬ and being able to offer your services to those who need it. You are doing a fabulous job.
بارك الله فيك

The point to note here is to base your actions on your intentions and always intend to do it for the sake of Allah‎ﷻ‬ and definitely the reward for your actions and intentions are with Allah‎ﷻ‬

For He‎ﷻ‬ says in the Quran;

“Whoever works righteousness, Man or Woman, and has Faith, verily, to him will We give a new Life, a life that is good and pure and We will bestow on such their reward according to the best of their actions.”
{Surah An- Nahl: 97}

Coming to you not being able to spend enough time on your education. The lack of focus is mostly because of waswasas from shaitaan and sometimes due to our own laziness, or the desire of the nafs for being laid back and be lazy. Set aside a time (1or 2 hours) everyday for study, maybe after Fajr or after Isha, or when the children have gone to school, make sure you don’t have any distractions during this time and you use this time only to focus on your studies. You must have heard of the saying; “Where there is a will there is a way”, we are so used to this quote that we are desensitized by it, and it has become a cliche but, it actually holds so true if you actually follow it. No body is going to do our job for us and we have to get moving and take action for it, and if we have the will to do it we make our way towards success in that region.

Use the Pomodoro Technique follow this link to learn more about this technique, ‎إن شاء الله‬
http://pomodorotechnique.com/

This is a fabulous technique to make the most out of your day. ‎إن شاء الله‬

Don’t think too much when you plan to do something, the more you think, the more you will procrastinate, when you plan your day and when you have set a time for something just do it, the more you think about it the more room you give for negative thoughts and these negative thoughts can also be the thoughts of putting things off or getting overcome by laziness and lethargy. Stop by ignoring them the moment they prop in your mind.

Our deen offers the best solutions to overcoming difficulties that we face in our day to day lives, ‎إن شاء الله‬ recite this dua, the reason why we are not able to achieve certain goals in our lives is due to certain unproductive factors that influence us, and in this dua we seek refuge in Allah‎ﷻ‬ from these negative factors. ‎سبحان الله‎‬

So here is the dua to make you more productive:

اللَّهُمَّ إِنِّي أَعُوذُ بِكَ مِنْ الْهَمِّ وَالْحُزْنِ وَالْعَجْزِ وَالْكَسَلِ وَالْبُخْلِ وَالْجُبْنِ وَضَلَعِ الدَّيْنِ وَغَلَبَةِ الرِّجَالِ

Allahmuma inni ‘audhubika minal hammi, wal Huzni, wal ‘ajazi, wal kasali, wal bukhli, wa Dala’id- dayni, wa ghlabatil rijaal.

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May Allah‎ﷻ‬ help us focus on tasks that are important and May He protect us from laziness, May He help us utilize our time in the most beneficial manner in learning His deen and working for His deen.
أمين يا رب العلمين

سُبحَانَ رَبِّكَ رَبِ العِزَّةِ عَمَّا يَصِفُون وَسَلَامٌ عَلى المُرسَلِين والحَمدُ الله رَبِ العلمين

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Case 15: Polygamy, Unlawful Relationship & Women’s right to Divorce

‎﷽‎‬
ولحَمْدُ الله
وَصَّلَاتُ وَسَّلَامُ عَلَى رَسُول الله
السلام عليكم ررحمة الله وبركاته

❓❔Question❔❓

In today’s post we shall attempt to clarify a few doubts and misconceptions about polygamy, unlawful relationship and a woman’s right to divorce (Khula) ‎إن شاء الله‬!

🅰️Answer📝
Islam holds marriage as a sacred and blessed bond between two people. Islam is keen to strengthen the relationship between the two spouses. Allah‎ﷻ‬ indicates the great value of the marriage and states in the Quran
“ And how could you take it while you have gone in unto each other and they have taken from you a solemn covenant?”.
Surah An Nisa:21

And in a hadith reported by Jabir, The Prophet‎ﷺ‎‬ said, “Verily, Iblees placed his throne over the water and then he sends out his troops. The nearest to him are the greatest at causing tribulations. One of them says: I have done this and this. Iblees says: You have done nothing. Another says: I did not leave this person until I caused discord between him and his wife. Iblees says: You have done well.”
Sahih Muslim
‎سبحان الله‎‬

Polygamy is something that has been made permissible by Allah‎ﷻ‬ and it is true that He‎ﷻ‬ created a woman jealous by nature, and Islam does not condemn her for this jealousy, in fact the best of women, the sahabiyyat and why, even the Mother of the believers were succumbed to this jealousy. But, we aren’t supposed to let this jealousy stop us from obliging to something that Allah has made permissible for men. In fact cooperating if her husband wishes to marry another woman shows the signs of eeman and obedience to Allah.

‎الحمد لله‎‬, Islam holds great deal of importance on the marital integrity and declares it honorable in the sight of Allah, yet Islam legalizes divorce that breaks this great bond. Allah does not want to put His slaves in difficulty and hence has made this deen easy to follow, and it’s Shari’ah is nothing short of beneficial in every aspect.
In case when the man is having a haraam (an unlawful) relationship with a woman who is not his mahram, this is a betrayal of the rights of Allah‎ﷻ‬ before it is a betrayal of the rights of his wife. A Muslim is bound by a covenant with Allah‎ﷻ‬, and what he is required to do is to fulfill that covenant and not break it. Moreover, this is not what the individual is enjoined to do in response to the blessings that his Rabb has bestowed upon him. Allah‎ﷻ‬, has blessed him with good health, well-being and a wife and a children ‎الحمد لله‎‬. He needs to show gratitude for these blessings and not waste this good health and well-being in haraam relationships with non-mahram women, and the way to show gratitude for the blessing of the wife and children is not by neglecting them and breaking ties with them. Allah‎ﷻ‬, has promised to those who give thanks increased blessings and He warns those who are ungrateful for blessings of a severe punishment.
As He says :
“And (remember) when your Lord proclaimed: If you give thanks (by accepting Faith and worshipping none but Allah), I will give you more (of My Blessings), but if you are thankless (i.e. disbelievers), verily! My Punishment is indeed severe”
[Ibraaheem 14:7].

Khul’a is divorce on the instance of the wife’s request in Islam, who must pay her husband compensation in order for him to accept divorcing her. If marriage were not based on love, affection, comfort, and agreement between the two spouses, life then would turn into misery rather than happiness and comfort. Marriage, in such a case, would no longer be a harmony, peace of mind and comfort, but rather hardship and adversity. If one of the spouses hated the other, or doesn’t trust him, there would be no hope for marriage continuation. Allah‎ﷻ‬ states in Quran;
“On the contrary live with them on a footing of kindness and equity. If you take a dislike to them it may be that you dislike a thing, and Allah brings about through it a great deal of good”.
Surah An Nisa: 19

Islam legalized khul’a however when life with the other spouse becomes unbearable. Of course, divorce normally is a right to the husband; therefore, he can issue it when he feels fit. However, if the wife hates the life with her husband and could no longer take it, then, in such a case, she may demand divorce by the process of Khul’a, paying the husband compensation(Mahr) for what he had already paid her in order to terminate the marriage.

This is the justice in the best form, ‎الحمد لله‎‬. A husband paid the dowry, bore the marriage expenses, and paid other expenses as well. Allah‎ﷻ‬ states in Quran;
“ It is not lawful for you, [men], to take back any of your gifts (from your wives), except when both parties fear that they would be unable to keep the limits ordained by Allah. If you [judges] do indeed fear that they would be unable to keep the limits ordained by Allah, there is not blame on either of them if she give something for her freedom. These are the limits ordained by Allah; so do not transgress them if any do transgress the limits ordained by Allah, such persons wrong [themselves as well as others]”.
Surah Al Baqarah: 229

Islam aims at preserving people’s honor and dignity. Islam also aims to protect and secure the society by closing all doors for possible social corruption. The presence of a husband with a woman whom he does not like, and vice versa, would very likely lead to suspicious and unlawful relationships. Therefore, Islam legalized divorce. Allah‎ﷻ‬ states in Quran;
“ But if they separate [by divorce], Allah will enrich each [of them] from His abundance. And ever is Allah Encompassing and Wise.”
Surah An Nisa: 130

Divorce is a disliked by Allah, but nevertheless it is a permissible action.

Our deen permits us to reach this decision when marriage reaches a dead end between the two spouses and there is no other solution except divorce. And Allah ‎ﷻ‬ has given that right to a Woman to seek it, after she has left no stone unturned in regard to improving her situation.

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A sister who goes through an adversity in marriage, where her husband is in unlawful relationship shouldn’t jump to end the relationship rather she should exhibit kindness to her husband and dressing up for him before she would threaten for divorce, and seeking divorce is not an easy thing to do as it involves two families and emotions and wise judgement to act upon a decision of such great importance and magnitude requires time, patience and perseverance.

I ask Allah‎ﷻ‬ to put abundant barakah in our marriages and make our bonds strong, may He put love in the hearts of spouses and make them a means of attaining Jannah for each other.
‎أمين يا رب العلمين

سُبحَانَ رَبِّكَ رَبِ العِزَّةِ عَمَّا يَصِفُون وَسَلَامٌ عَلى المُرسَلِين والحَمدُ الله رَبِ العلمين

Fatwa Source: Islam q&a
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